We did it, everyone. We achieved parity in the NFL. And it’s absolutely terrible. Can we go back to building super teams like the other two major sports? It was way more fun to bet on. All I know is that Dallas, Oakland and New England are probably the best teams in the league heading in to the last four weeks. After that, I really have no idea what to do. This season is so bad that a winless Cleveland team is almost slightly better than Jacksonville, which has just two more wins than them. I hate all of it.
1. Dallas Cowboys (11-1 SU and 9-3 ATS)
Any elite team can cough up a dud like the Cowboys did last Thursday, especially when you’re built around two rookies playing in a non-Sunday game. That’s fine. If The Giants make them look bad again, though, then we can (maybe) worry a bit more. For now, just chalk up their win against Minnesota to the old Thursday blues.
Next Game: Dallas -3.0 at NYG (Sunday Night)
2. Oakland Raiders (10-2 SU and 8-4 ATS)
Marquette King and Sebastian Janakowski need some sort of show. I don’t know what it is, or what it’d be about, but I’d watch the hell out of it.
3. New England Patriots (10-2 SU and 9-3 ATS)
A lot of teams are going to make excuses when they lose a landscape shifting talent like Rob Gronkowski. But odds are that Bill Belichik is a pretty smart guy, and even he has to know that the AFC is a steaming hot pile of cat feces right now. With Gronk, they were the team to beat. Without him, they’re still very easily a threat.
Next Game: Baltimore at New England -7.0 (Monday Night)
4. Kansas City Chiefs (9-3 SU and 6-6 ATS)
Screw it. Why not? The Chiefs have beaten the Broncos defence and paced the Falcons offence in the last weeks while earning some hard fought, gutsy wins. The only thing I don’t get is that they don’t seem to have a penchant for blowouts against good teams. Why can’t they play like they’re on fire all the time? Andy Reid is a clinical over thinker, but if he lets the boys loose a little than the Chiefs are really, really dangerous.
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-5 SU and ATS)
This is me admitting that I officially have no idea what’s going on this year. Oh, by the way, the Bucs are 2-18 SU over the last five years when playing in Weeks 14 thru 17. Don’t worry, I’m sure this season will be much different.
Next Game: New Orleans at Tampa -2.5
6. Seattle Seahawks (8-3-1 SU and 7-5 ATS)
I want to rate them higher, but losing Earl Thomas for the season to a broken leg is almost as bad as the Patriots losing Gronkowski or Dallas losing Romo. Oh wait…
Next Game: Seattle -2.5 at Green Bay
7. Denver Broncos (8-4 SU and ATS)
Can we sit back and look at this top-10 for a second. Tampa and Kansas looked finished a month ago, the Patriots have lost their second best player, the Seahawks have lost their third most important player and the Raiders and Cowboys look like the best teams in the NFL. And here’s Denver looking like a bona fide contender despite the fact that Paxton Lynch and Trevor Siemian are both absolutely terrible.
Next Game: Atlanta -6.0 at Los Angeles
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-5 SU and ATS)
Was it me, or was watching the Giants-Steelers on Sunday a huge disappointment? Maybe it’s the gravity of the two franchises, the championships the quarterbacks have won or Antonio Brown playing against Odell Beckham Jr. It just feels like that game should’ve been a lot more enjoyable. Maybe it’s because football isn’t that fun to watch this year.
Next Game: Pittsburgh -2.0 at Buffalo
9. New York Giants (8-4 SU and 6-5-1 ATS)
Maybe Odell Beckham Jr. should learn to shut the hell up before the fans turn on him completely and he’s a designated team cancer. We don’t have patience for millionaire athletes acting like their entitled to special privileges on the field. All this guy does is whine and complain when his team loses. It drives me crazy.
Next Game: Dallas -3.0 at NYG (Sunday Night)
10. Atlanta Falcons (7-5 SU and ATS)
Matt Ryan justifying his “Ice” nickname on a pick-two to lose the game was my favorite play of the weekend.
Next Game: Atlanta -6.0 at Los Angeles
11. Detroit Lions (8-4 SU and ATS)
It’s hilarious that people are just now starting to realize how good Matt Stafford is. The Lions don’t even try to the run the ball and defence still can’t stop him.
Next Game: Chicago at Detroit -7.5
12. Washington Redskins (6-5-1 SU and 8-4 ATS)
Well, that just about does it. The Washington Redskins probably can’t make the post season. That doesn’t mean that I’m off of them as a bet. The sad thing is that they’ll use this as an excuse not to extend Kirk Cousins. Given that Houston just threw $72 million at Brock Osweiler (nope, not gonna let it go), someone else will be more than happy to offer Kirk as much money as he wants.
13. New Orleans Saints (5-7 SU and 8-4 ATS)
That was the first time in sixty games that Drew Brees hadn’t thrown a touchdown at home. SIXTY!!!
Next Game: New Orleans at Tampa -2.5
14. Green Bay Packers (6-6 SU and 6-5-1 ATS)
Two convincing wins over the past two weekends has put Green Bay…in the exact same place as Minnesota, who are 1-6 SU in the last two months. What. The. F. Is. Happening.
Next Game: Seattle -2.5 at Green Bay
15. Baltimore Ravens (7-5 SU and 6-6 ATS)
Just when the Ravens climb to the top of the division, they hit the tail end of their schedule which includes three road games in New England, Pittsburgh and Cincinnati. By the way, the Ravens did this the same year they won the Super Bowl by lulling us to sleep in the regular season only to go batshit crazy in the playoffs.
Next Game: Baltimore at New England -7.0 (Sunday Night)
16. San Diego Chargers (5-7 SU and 7-5 ATS)
Take a minute to realize that Phillip Rivers has the 6th best passing attack, and the 4th best scoring offence, and he’s doing that without his top receiver. The guy’s incredible. Why isn’t #freePhilipRivers a thing?
Next Game: San Diego at Carolina -1.0
17. Buffalo Bills (6-6 SU and 5-7 ATS)
Nobody was surprised that a defence championed by the Ryan brothers completely blew it in the fourth quarter with their season on the line, right? Thank God for live betting.
Next Game: Pittsburgh -2.0 at Buffalo
18. Arizona Cardinals (5-6-1 SU and 4-8 ATS)
Carson Palmer completed exactly 30 passes for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns. Neat!
Next Game: Arizona at Miami -1.0
19. Indianapolis Colts (6-6 SU and 6-5 ATS)
I have no idea how to grade the Colts beating up a Jets team that didn’t even care to be on the field. All I know is that whomever wins this division doesn’t deserve to be in the playoffs.
Next Game: Houston at Indianapolis -6.0
20. Philadelphia Eagles (5-7 SU and ATS)
Where did this notion about Philadelphia being a “high scoring team” come from? They average 22.3 points a game. That’s the 19th worst in the NFL. They’ve scored more than 30 points once, and that was in Week 3. In the last three games, they’ve managed just 14.0 points on average. This team sucks. I don’t even know why I have them ranked so high.
21. Houston Texans (6-6 SU and 5-6-1 ATS)
There’s nothing quite less intimidating than Brock Osweiler trying to propel a comeback victory on the road.
Next Game: Houston at Indianapolis -6.0
22. Cincinnati Bengals (4-7-1 SU and 4-8 ATS)
The most confusing spread of Week 14 is the Bengals at the Browns in the annual Paul Brown Massacre. The Bengals are getting -5.5 points and are 1-5 ATS when travelling this year. Plus they’re playing a Cleveland team that’s had two weeks to prepare.
Next Game: Cincinnati -5.5 at Cleveland
23. Minnesota Vikings (6-6 SU and 7-5 ATS)
Instant replay is broken, but so is the rule book in general. I get that Vikings fans are probably still pissed about the non-call on Sam Bradford. But let’s be honest about that rule for a second – it’s stupid. He got slapped in the face. There’s no possible way that could’ve hurt him. Plus, he’d already released the ball by the time he got hit. The rule itself has good intentions so that quarterbacks aren’t getting decapitate, but we can calm down about that being a penalty that really interferes with the game itself. Every other position involves a modicum of violence (unless you’re a kicker), and they get paid far less than quarterbacks. Suck it up, guys.
Next Game: Minnesota -3.5 at Jacksonville
24. Tennessee Titans (6-6 SU and 4-8 ATS)
The Titans had the weekend off, and anyone who didn’t have to deal with DeMarco Murray in fantasy football was probably really, really happy. Speaking of which, the NFL should probably understand that fantasy football seasons begin playoffs in Week 14 since their own website runs a fake league of their own that they generate money off of. Can we stop it with these late bye weeks? We should be done with that stuff by Week 10 at the latest.
Next Game: Denver at Tennessee -1.0
25. Miami Dolphins (7-5 SU and 6-6 ATS)
Well that pretty much settles it. Teams are just daring Ajayi to beat them, and he can’t do it. Meanwhile Tannehill had another multiple interception game because the Dolphins were chasing early on and he had to launch 40 passes. Anytime he’s thrown more than 35 passes, he’s been picked off multiple times this season. But he also threw two turnovers against Tennessee when he attempted just 18 passes. Gase must be losing his goddamn mind trying to develop this offence with Tannehill at quarterback.
Next Game: Arizona at Miami -1.0
26. Los Angeles Rams (4-8 SU and 4-7-1 ATS)
Honestly, why do we care about what Eric Dickerson has to say about how this terrible team is performing? He wants the team to use Todd Gurley more? What genius! Yes, let’s use the only great player you have an offence like a useless battering ram. They didn’t unleash him last year when they were bad, they’re not going to this year. If Goff pans out, which he might next year, we’ll likely see a whole new version of this team. As for right now, it’s obvious that Fisher’s been told to preserve the good pieces that they have. Dickerson’s a legend, but his impatience is what’s wrong with fans these days. There’s only one Super Bowl trophy, guys. We don’t all get one.
Next Game: Atlanta -6.0 at Los Angeles
27. Carolina Panthers (4-8 SU and 3-8-1 ATS)
If you guys think that Cam Newton getting benched was about a necktie then you don’t know how to read between the lines. Something else happened. Not that I care. That’s team business. I care that they’re totally easy to bet against these days.
Next Game: San Diego at Carolina -1.0
28. New York Jets (3-9 SU and 4-8 ATS)
I wonder if the 49ers were watching the Jets play completely disinterested football with their eyes sparkling with hope. “Do you think they’ll phone it in next week against us?! We could maybe win!”
Next Game: NYJ at San Francisco -2.5
29. Chicago Bears (3-9 SU and 5-7 ATS)
The strangest trend about Chicago is that they’re 4-2 ATS when at home, and 1-5 ATS when travelling. That might change given that their next two home games are against Green Bay and Washington.
Next Game: Chicago at Detroit -7.5
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-10 SU and 5-7 ATS)
The 2016 season for the Jacksonville Jaguars should forever be remembered as “The Bortleing.”
Next Game: Minnesota -3.5 at Jacksonville
31. San Francisco 49ers (1-11 SU and 3-9 ATS)
Yeah, the Niners were so much more explosive with Blaine Gabbert in there whipping around passes for 35 whole yards after benching Kaepernick for tossing 4 yards in three quarters. Maybe the snow had something to do with it? Maybe the fact that his receiving corps sucks?
Next Game: NYJ at San Francisco -2.5
32. Cleveland Browns (0-12 SU and 2-10 ATS)
They did it! They didn’t lose for one weekend! Hoorah!
Next Game: Cincinnati -5.5 at Cleveland
