We have three fishing rods sitting in this stream, one connected to the end of 888Poker’s XL Blizzard, another with a hook stuck into the thick lip of the Spartan: Sofia Lovgren, and one beneath the molar of the elite athlete Martin Jacobson.
Switch on your miner’s lamp. You’ll need it. Amongst the dark shadows of the high rise guarantees standing in the backyards of partypoker and PokerStars, there is the $1.7m that 888Poker promised to pay players during their recent XL Blizzard.
For the past 11-days, throughout 34-events, tournament organisers at 888Poker have slathered like a dog belonging to a man named Pavlov, and the numbers are now in – the latest XL Blizzard attracted 38,515-entrants, pulling in $1,903,474 in prize money.
As successful as sorbet.
1,783-entrants competed in the $250 buy-in, $500,000 Guaranteed Main Event, with two of them traversing the length and breadth of the 15-hour course, before ‘.RUIT.HORA.’ gobbled up the $91,847.27 first prize like it was Tom Dwan gene pate on toast.
Final table results
1. .RUIT.HORA. – $91,847.27
2. DeuceofDuc0 – $65,363.55
3. MisterN411 – $50,028.68
4. gunning_4you – $35,346.35
5. petushki777 – $25,830.02
6. catcholao – $20,664.02
7. MFA1770 – $15,498.01
8. polomichi18 – $10,332.01
9. gkap13 – $5,872.93
As you would expect, 888Poker’s ambassadorial unit set their linguini and sparkling water aside to raise the profile of the competition throughout the 11-day poker marathon, and one of them even won a title.
Recently lionised at the Global Poker Award (GPA) in Las Vegas, picking up the PocketFives Legacy Award, Chris ‘moorman1’ Moorman, set to work winning the $160 buy-in, $100,000 Guaranteed Tune-Up event.
The man who has won more Online Triple Crowns that HMV warehouses have unwanted CDs stuck a steak knife through the heart of 539-entrants on his way to a $21,092.40 payout.
Also sitting at the top table was Michael “wywrotx” Wywrot (4th), Moorman’s fellow 888Poker Ambassador, Ana Marquez (7th), and a UK grinder in red hot form called Kroat.
On the same day Kroat lost, heads-up, to Moorman in the Tune-Up he also secured a World Series of Poker (WSOP) Main Event package and chopped the $50,000 Whale for $15.750.41.
It’s a timely win for Moorman whose ability to grind with the best of them is challenging given his US-base. The UK-born pro has been at the head of the PocketFives All Time Money Earned list for as long as those dead old Korean women have been diving for stuff on Jeju Island, but Niklas ‘lena9000’ Astedt is only a million bucks behind. In this day and age, that gap is as wide as a toothy grin.
All-time money earned (online poker MTTs)
1. Chris ‘moorman1’ Moorman – $15.93m
2. Niklas ‘lena9000’ Astedt – $14.96m
3. Roman ‘Romeopro” Romanovsky – $12,91m
4. Simon ‘C Darwin 2’ Mattsson – $12.81m
5. Andras ‘probirs’ Nemeth – $12.72m
Sofia Lovgren a Spartan; Martin Jacobson an ‘Elite Athlete’
Sitting on your arse playing online poker can close the gap between those thighs quicker than a nasty dose of syphilis, and two 888Poker Ambassadors in particular work hard to make sure that doesn’t happen (not the syphilis thing, of course).
When Sofia Lovgren isn’t sitting in the first class caboose of the 888Live Roadshow, she spends her time playing cash games in Asia with a base in Singapore.
On April 27, the Swedish 888Poker ambassador will compete in the Singaporean Spartan Obstacle Race. PokerNews picked up on the story after leafing through Lovgren’s social media feed, where they found a myriad of images and videos showing off her lean and mean new look.
Lovgren told PokerNews that the Spartan Race is a part of the whole as she aims to complete her studies as a personal trainer to build a fitness brand in 2020.
There are more than 240 Spartan Obstacle Races in more than 25 countries, and you can expect fire breathing dragons, WWII style barbed wire, and lots of cold mud and water.
On the Spartan website, they suggest you turn up at least an ‘hour and a half’ before your start time.
I assume that’s to give you enough time to reconsider and get your skinny arse back to the poker table.
If we’re going to frame Lovgren as poker’s paragon of health, wellness and beauty, then let’s balance the books.
Martin Jacobson is a guy that sends other men to bed confused as to why they can’t stop thinking about him. This week, Sweden’s supremely symmetrical sexpot sat down to talk to the Evening Standard about his $10m win at the 2014 WSOP Main Event, where he likened his approach to poker as being in the same ballpark as an elite athlete.
“The preconceived idea of poker is sitting in a smoky room or a basement, but players at the top treat it professionally, we never drink when we play, we eat healthily, meditate, study game theory.”
When it comes to pieces, I’ve seen more meat on one of those dead things that are currently marching on Winterfell, but here it is.