We finally have a new number-one! And it’s exactly who you’d expect it to be! After the top two teams in each conference, however, things start to get real murky. By this time of the year we should have a clearer picture of what’s to come in the post season, but parity has been truly ugly this year.
The playoff picture in the AFC is a lot clearer, with basically the AFC West filling up the wild card. That leaves Baltimore and Pittsburgh in a dead heat for the division title and just about everyone else on the outside looking in. I want to say that something will change, but nobody looks like they want to seize this crazy season by the horns.
The NFC is even muddier. Nine teams are separated by one win for the last two wild card spots. Nine! So if you’re just as confused as I am, kick back and let’s try and wade through this together. There’s still five great weeks of betting left, and if things keep projecting out like this, Week 17 might actually be killer.
1. Dallas Cowboys (8-1 SU and ATS)
You know that this is setting up perfectly for Dak Prescott getting an injury in the second half of the NFC Championship or the goddamn Super Bowl and in comes an ice cold Tony Romo. You just know it.
Next Game: Baltimore at Dallas -7.5
2. New England Patriots (7-2 SU and ATS)
The only thing funnier than the Patriots admitting that they weren’t trying to score on the opening plays of their goal line stand in the dying minutes was Bill Simmons finally getting eviscerated for his constant jabs at Chris Collinsworth on Twitter.
Next Game: New England -13.0 at San Francisco
3. Seattle Seahawks (6-2-1 SU and 5-4 ATS)
Pete Carroll saying that Patriots fans act entitled is so incredibly ridiculous. “Our fans are louder” is the dumbest sports argument amongst sports arguments. And he’s obviously never sat in a bar with Seahawks fans as they lose games.
Next Game: Philadelphia at Seattle -6.5
4. Oakland Raiders (7-2 SU and 6-3 ATS)
The bye week wasn’t supposed to go this way for Oakland, who were enjoying a week off before Kansas City moved in to the division lead and Denver right on their heels.
Next Game: Houston at Oakland -5.5 (Monday Night)
5. New York Giants (6-3 SU and 5-3-1 ATS)
Make no mistake about it – the NFC is really bad this year, and in years like this the Giants can make perfect spoilers. The defence on this team is far better than their mid-league ranking suggests. They shut down Cincinnati in a big way on Monday night in front of a national audience. And when you have Odell Beckham Jr. making plays the way he does, you really don’t need that much firepower to take advantage. I am so delusional with this team, especially since Dallas seems like their only tough game left.
Next Game: Chicago at NYG
6. Atlanta Falcons (6-4 SU and ATS)
Going 2-2 SU and 1-3 ATS over the last month has caused mass panic on the Falcons bandwagon, and it should. This is a team that hasn’t handled doing badly that well. And their final six games include matchups against top defences in Arizona, Kansas, Los Angels and Carolina as well as a shootout with New Orleans to top off the season.
Next Game: BYE WEEK
7. Denver Broncos (7-3 SU and ATS)
I can’t wait for the NFL to overreact and ban all white shoes so that they’re not the same color as the sidelines.
Next Game: BYE WEEK
8. New Orleans Saints (4-5 SU and 6-3 ATS)
It’s a good thing we have 19 refs and a bazillion cameras eying the field so we can’t even tell if some jackhole steps out of bounds on the most important play of a game. (I know I double dipped on this but c’mon!)
Next Game: New Orleans vs. Carolina -3.5 (Thursday)
9. Kansas City Chiefs (7-2 SU and 4-5 ATS)
Kansas is doing everything they can to win football games in an ugly way. And you know how I know this? They’re 2-7 O/U on the year and no team outside of Pittsburgh in Week 4 has scored more than three touchdowns on them.
Next Game: Tampa at Kansas -7.5
10. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-5 SU and ATS)
Ben Roethlisberger calling his team “unaccountable” is all sorts of ironic.
Next Game: Pittsburgh -8.0 at Cleveland
11. Washington Redskins (5-3-1 SU and 6-3 ATS)
A very simple argument for why Kirk Cousins should be paid: he ranks fourth in passing yards. A simple argument for why he shouldn’t – he’s second in the league in interceptions (Ryan Fitzpatrick has the most).
Next Game: Green Bay at Washington -2.5
12. Houston Texans (6-3 SU and 5-3-1 ATS)
Speaking of bad quarterbacks, do you know who has the lowest quarterback rating in the league? Ok, well it’s Ryan Fitzpatrick, but Brock Osweiler is right with him at the bottom of the barrel. He’s worse than Bortles, Kaepernick and Case Keenum and barely better than Blaine Gabbert. Those Houston Texans sure know how to pick ‘em. I can’t wait to hear what Jon Gruden has to say about Osweiler on Monday night.
Next Game: Houston at Oakland -5.5
13. San Diego Chargers (4-6 SU and 6-4 ATS)
I never said that San Diego was a good team, I just said that they were a good bet. And even with Philip Rivers throwing four interceptions, including the game-losing pick-six, they were still in a position to beat Miami. Don’t panic. Betting on this team was always a bit of a leap of faith.
Next Game: BYE WEEK
14. Detroit Lions (5-4 SU and ATS)
Good news, Lions fans! Calvin Johnson is in the finals of Dancing With The Stars!
Next Game: Jacksonville at Detroit -6.5
15. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4 SU and ATS)
Why do teams with a committee backfield even bother declaring a starter? Did Atlanta spend the entire week game planning on Darren Sproles – a guy who has never ever carried the load in his career – and just forget that Ryan Matthews existed? If this is the best swerve tactic that Pederson has up his sleeve, then now you know why I’m still not high on the Eagles. I just find it too hard to trust them.
Next Game: Philadelphia at Seattle -6.5
16. Arizona Cardinals (4-4-1 SU and 3-6 ATS)
Speaking of teams that are too hard to trust, here come the Arizona Cardinals! In retrospect, we probably shouldn’t have been counting on J.J. Nelson steadying the ship since he weighs 160 pounds and can’t seem to catch a cold. “This is Floyd and Brown all over again!”
Next Game: Arizona at Minnesota PK
17. Tennessee Titans (5-5 SU and 4-6 ATS)
Tennessee trading a fourth rounder to Philadelphia for Demarco Murray is the trade of the year.
Next Game: Tennessee at Indianapolis -3.0
18. Carolina Panthers (3-6 SU and 2-6-1 ATS)
Keep dabbing your way to an early off-season, Cam.
Next Game: New Orleans vs. Carolina -3.5 (Thursday)
19. Buffalo Bills (4-5 SU and ATS)
Let’s be frank about the Buffalo Bills before I start to lose the faith of my readership: they beat four bad teams to go 4-0 SU and ATS from Week 3 thru Week 6. So I don’t know if that was a fluke or if their recent 0-3 SU and ATS run is a proper reflection of this team. What I do know is that all will be revealed against Cincinnati, the litmus test team of 2016.
Next Game: Buffalo at Cincinnati
20. Green Bay Packers (4-5 SU and 4-4-1 ATS)
Really? We have to watch this terrible Green Bay team stink up our televisions on prime time again?
Next Game: Green Bay at Washington -2.5
21. Miami Dolphins (5-4 SU and ATS)
Somebody get my puke bucket, people are doing that “Ryan Tannehill is elite” bull again.
Next Game: Miami at Los Angeles -1.0
22. Los Angeles Rams (4-5 SU and 4-4-1 ATS)
I don’t know why I haven’t brought this up until now but…why did they release Nick Foles again? Was he simply too good?
Next Game: Miami at Los Angeles -1.0
23. Baltimore Ravens (5-4 SU and 4-5 ATS)
Beating Cleveland does nothing to really cement the Ravens as anything special. They’re basically (somehow) a much worse version of the New York Giants.
Next Game: Baltimore at Dallas -7.5
24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-5 SU and ATS)
A lot of people are talking about Jameis Winston’s mad scramble, where he basically ran backwards for about 40 yards, needlessly escaping tackles instead of throwing the ball away. He saved the whole debacle by connecting with a deep pass, but WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!
Next Game: Tampa at Kansas -7.5
25. Indianapolis Colts (4-5 SU and 4-4-1 ATS)
In what universe are the Colts favored against Tennessee??
Next Game: Tennessee at Indianapolis -3.0
26. Cincinnati Bengals (3-5-1 SU and 3-6 ATS)
Mired in a 1-3-1 SU and 1-4 ATS tailspin, there’s no hope left for the Bengals. This might actually be the year they fire Marvin Lewis. If you can’t come out of a bye week on a Monday Nighter against a fledgling team like the Giants and perform then you’re cooked.
Next Game: Buffalo at Cincinnati
27. Minnesota Vikings (5-4 SU and ATS)
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Minnesota’s brilliant start has completely fizzled with an 0-4 SU and ATS record during the past month. Now they face a stretch run against teams they went 2-5 and 3-4 ATS against last season.
Next Game: Arizona at Minnesota PK
28. Chicago Bears (2-7 SU and ATS)
If the Bears weren’t ready to pull the trigger on a proper reset, the Alshon Jeffrey suspension should probably do the trick. If I were him, I’d forfeit $3.5 million to take a month off instead of trotting myself out uselessly to play for a crap team like the Bears too.
Next Game: Chicago at NYG
29. New York Jets (3-7 SU and ATS)
The Bryce Petty Experiment got off to a hilariously appropriate start, with him notching a touchdown on a four-yard pass to Bilal Powell only for Nick Folk to botch the field goal. The future has arrived everyone! And it’s abysmal!
Next Game: BYE WEEK
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-7 SU and 4-5 ATS)
Blake Bortles did the most Blake Bortles thing ever when he threw a pick-six off the foot off of his own teammate. If you didn’t see the highlight, whatever’s running through your imagination is probably as hilarious as seeing it live.
Next Game: Jacksonville at Detroit -6.5
31. San Francisco 49ers (1-8 SU and 2-7 ATS)
I understand the whole premise of why Colin Kaepernick didn’t vote, but there had to be smarter people around him than that. People in not-for-profits. Advisors. An agent. Something. Nobody in their right mind would build up that much political cache to just toss it in the garbage by not voting in what was probably the most important election in modern American history. What a douchebag who took a powerful message for a powerful cause and then burned all his equity to the ground.
Next Game: New England -13.0 at San Francisco
32. Cleveland Browns (0-10 SU and 2-8 ATS)
The only thing that would be more comical about the Browns season is if they started 3-1 and then lost every game after that for the rest of 2016.
Next Game: Pittsburgh -8.0 at Cleveland
