Well here it is. The end. The end of days. I suspect you have all become rich and are now living glamorous and extravagant lifestyles thanks to my supreme tipping knowledge. Unfortunately, I got caught sleeping with Calvin’s sister and the penalty is death. This will be my last column before I stand in front of a post and face down the ten guns belonging to Calvin’s private army. There is a chance I might be offered a blindfold, so it might not be that bad.
I’ve had a good few weeks culminating in almost playing a round of golf with Ian Poulter. I say almost, when in fact I mean he was at the same golf club as I was. But we almost became best friends. Well, I say almost – we would have if we had talked to each other. Or if he had even looked at me. But these non-dom golfers can be so aloof. Anyway, I backed the winner of The Open. Yep, I did! At 490 on Betfair, I feel somewhat special inside. As if I alone know what is going to happen in the world every week. I am the predictor.
A good couple of weeks, like I said, had a few minor horse racing winners – but I also got very drunk and smoked loads of cigarettes in the process. Something I feel should be more appreciated by us humans. When you think about it, it’s only us and beagles that can smoke plus maybe the occasional chimp. I think we should be more grateful for these privileges. I’ll talk about drugs in the afterlife.
If you have a look at some of the winners we’ve had over the months: some decent prices at Cheltenham, Royal Ascot, the Champions League, the World Cup and numerous golf tournaments it has really helped buck the current economic trends. Remember Peddlars Cross at 12/1 and Rite of Passage at 25s? Ah they just don’t tip like that anymore. The top goalscorer winner double on Villa and Spain wasn’t as great as it should have been based on the dead-heat – but a winner is a winner.
So fair readers, I offer you my heartfelt goodbyes based on the reasoning that you will all feel so lonely from now on. But do not despair, Calvin will have a harem of replacement pen smiths queuing up to jump in my grave (or my ashes plot). I’m sure they won’t be able to tip like me, but then again I am legend (or was that Will Smith?).
I was thinking of running you through my diary over the last two weeks, but it really has been so alcohol fuelled that I can’t remember a thing about it. I do remember shooting a 71 around the Duke’s Course at Woburn Abbey though. At least I think it was a 71, but annoyingly nobody was keeping score – we will never know.
Right I’m off to drink, bet, dribble and generally live a normal existence. Enjoy the rest of your days and remember the ante-post tips below could change your life. They might not, but they could…
Darren Bent – Premier League top goalscorer 18/1
Gabby Agbonlahor – Premier League top goalscorer 66/1
Dirk Kuyt – Premier League top goalscorer 80/1
Middlesbrough – The Championship 9/1
Liverpool – the FA Cup 11/1
Kieron Fallon – Jockey Championship 7/2
Strawberrydaiquiri – Nassau Stakes 10/1
Palace Moon – Stewards Cup 9/1
Premio Loco – Sussex Stakes 8/1