Another week of total, non-stop mayhem and we are nowhere closer to figuring out who the real top teams in the league. Seattle, Dallas and New England are the only teams that have clinched their division and there’s just two more weeks to go. This is absolutely awesome. The best part? Games on Christmas Day! All other games are on Christmas Eve Day (December 24th) starting at 1pm EST and 4pm EST.
1. New England Patriots (12-2 SU and 11-3 ATS)
If Brady wins a fifth Super Bowl with this otherwise no-name team, then the conversation about him being the GOAT is simply over (if it isn’t already). And yes they deserve to be favored by every measure.
Next Game: NYJ at New England -16.5
2. Dallas Cowboys (12-2 SU and 9-5 ATS)
What in the blue hell was with everyone’s reaction to Zeke Elliott jumping in to the Salvation Army. “What a sense of humor!” “Amazing comedic timing!!!” “Hilarious!” These were actual things that people said.
Next Game: Detroit at Dallas -7.0 (Monday Night)
3. Oakland Raiders (11-3 SU and 9-5 ATS)
The Raiders are inarguably the second-best team in the AFC and righted the ship by fighting tooth and nail to beat Phillip Rivers and the Chargers. Carr was fine in the game and it was really a total team effort with Khalil Mack coming to the rescue on the final drive. It’s one thing for Carr to lead the charge on saving a franchise like Oakland, which is playoff bound for the first time in 14 seasons…but does he really have to go on a crusade to save Johnny Manziel? Aren’t there like a million other humanitarian causes he could launch himself at? “No…this is it. This is the fight I have chosen to fight.”
Next Game: Indianapolis at Oakland -3.5
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-6 SU and 9-5 ATS)
Jameis Winston was absolutely horrific in the two-minute drill (or whatever the hell that was supposed to be called) against Dallas, but the bright side is that the Bucs hung tough with the best team in the NFC. They’re totally legit, albeit unpredictable.
Next Game: Tampa at New Orleans -3.0
5. New York Giants (10-4 SU and 8-5-1 ATS)
I’m getting really sick and tired of people talking about how “lucky” the Giants get with Eli and Odell. They spend the entire game setting up for one or two big plays, and they’ve hit them more often than they haven’t. What’s so outrageous about this? The Giants are so over prepared for their opponents that they can slog through four quarters and not be scared at all.
Next Game: NYG -2.5 at Philadelphia (Thursday Night)
6. Kansas City Chiefs (10-4 SU and 7-7 ATS)
The Chiefs have always done “just enough” to win games and that finally caught up to them against the Titans. The bizarre thing is th this is the time of year when your team should be peaking, and we’ve seen Kansas be capable of leading rip roaring scoring drives when they absolutely need to. I don’t understand the point of only flicking that switch when it’s a dire situation. Why not flip the switch earlier to avoid those dire situations.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-5 SU and ATS)
It’s official – everyone in the AFC should be terrified of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Or at least those terrible towels.
Next Game: Baltimore at Pittsburgh -4.5 (Sunday Afternoon)
8. Green Bay Packers (8-6 SU and 7-6-1 ATS)
It’s a good thing they held off on that mid-season retirement parts for Aaron Rodgers. I can’t believe this division is shaking down to a one-on-one matchup with Detroit in Week 17.
Next Game: Minnesota at Green Bay -6.5
9. Seattle Seahawks (9-4-1 SU and 8-6 ATS)
Richard Sherman going ballistic over the fact that the Seahawks threw it on the one-yard line is fine and all, but eventually you’ve got to get over your fears. You don’t have Marshawn anymore. What if Rawls fumbles it? Then do you not run it? Just opt for the field goal immediately? WHAT IF YOU SHANK THE FIELD GOAL?!
Next Game: Arizona at Seattle -8.0
10. Detroit Lions (9-5 SU and 8-6 ATS)
Detroit (and Atlanta) are pretty much here because they both lead the division but I’m not scared of either team. The Lions can’t run the ball
Next Game: Detroit at Dallas -7.0 (Monday Night)
11. Atlanta Falcons (9-5 SU and ATS)
There have been just four games where the Falcons have held teams under the equivalent of three touchdowns: against Denver, Arizona, Los Angels and San Francisco. Yes, those are teams that struggle to score against most everyone. Atlanta is not a contender, you guys. They’re only here because of their spread record and the fact that they lead the division currently.
Next Game: Atlanta -2.5 at Carolina
12. Baltimore Ravens (8-6 SU and 6-8 ATS)
The last time that Baltimore won the Super Bowl, they had an eerily similar regular season to their 2016 campaign…
Next Game: Baltimore at Pittsburgh -4.5 (Sunday Afternoon)
13. Tennessee Titans (8-6 SU and 6-8 ATS)
Does anyone else have the sense that the Titans have been on a slow, patient burn all season? Are they actually this good? I know I ask a lot of rhetorical questions in these rankings but I actually have no idea. They are, right? I like them? You hate that I use this many question marks in one paragraph?
Next Game: Tennessee -4.5 at Jacksonville
14. Washington Redskins (7-6-1 SU and 9-5 ATS)
Their loss to the Carolina Panthers wasn’t entirely Cousins’ fault, but there’s something about how maniacally this team is run that you could almost feel the general manager celebrating his team’s loss. It’s so strange to see him and them build such a frosty relationship.
Next Game: Washington -3.5 at Chicago
15. Denver Broncos (8-6 SU and ATS)
The offence and the defence apparently got “into it” after the game because of the lack of production from the team that’s supposed to score points and can’t. The voice of the defence happened to be T.J. Ward, who also cost his team the game by needlessly taking Julian Edelman to suplex city. So yeah, things are going to get ugly until Tony Romo (or Jay Cutler!) shows up in town.
Next Game: Denver at Kansas City -3.5 (Sunday Night)
16. New Orleans Saints (6-8 SU and 9-5 ATS)
The Saints have the number-one offence in a season where no team looks like an actual, elite defence. And they’re not going to come close to sniffing the playoffs. Where are the social justice warriors on this one?!
Next Game: Tampa at New Orleans -3.0
17. Indianapolis Colts (7-7 SU and 7-6-1 ATS)
Honestly I don’t know where to rank this team in the big picture. Let’s keep in mind that they just beat up a Minnesota team that looked defeated right out of the gates ,and have lost twice to Houston.
Next Game: Indianapolis at Oakland -3.5
18. Houston Texans (8-6 SU and 6-7-1 ATS)
The showdown between Bortles and Osweiler was everything we could’ve imagined…and so much better! BENCHWEILER!
Next Game: Cincinnati at Houston -1.5 (Saturday Night)
19. Buffalo Bills (7-7 SU and 6-8 ATS)
Tyrod Taylor led a 33-13 blowout of the worst team in the league and still only managed 174 yards. Somebody get this guy an extension!
Next Game: Miami at Buffalo -3.5
20. Carolina Panthers (6-8 SU and 5-8-1 ATS)
As much as the refs seem to hate him, the whole world saw them penalize Newton for getting hit in the head. You read that sentence right. A team this good with nothing to play for is dangerous, by the way. I would not be excited to be Atlanta or Tampa Bay.
Next Game: Atlanta -2.5 at Carolina
21. San Diego Chargers (5-9 SU and 7-7 ATS)
Phillip Rivers comes off as such a country bumpkin that the idea of him moving to Los Angeles when the team relocates needs to be a reality show. And I’ve got the perfect name for it: The Beverly Hill-Phillies!
Next Game: San Diego -6.0 at Cleveland
22. Chicago Bears (3-11 SU and 7-7 ATS)
The strange thing about the Bears being in the midst of a horrifying 3-11 SU season (which doesn’t seem to have any more wins left over two weeks) is that they’ve found a bright spot in the most unexpected place. Matt Barkley actually looks competent enough to be a starter! All of this after he couldn’t beat out Bradford, Foles and Sanchez.
Next Game: Washington -3.5 at Chicago
23. Miami Dolphins (9-5 SU and 8-6 ATS)
That whole theory that Ryan Tannhill might not be much better than standard backup quarterbacks across the NFL is holding steady…especially since he’s being directly compared to Matt Moore, perhaps the most standard backup quarterback there is.
Next Game: Miami at Buffalo -3.5
24. Cincinnati Bengals (5-8-1 SU and 5-9 ATS)
If Jeremy Hill was more famous and recognizable, he’d make a fantastic spokesman for Bed, Bath & Beyond. The commercials would be outstanding.
Next Game: Cincinnati at Houston -1.5 (Saturday Night)
25. Philadelphia Eagles (5-9 SU and 6-8 ATS)
It’s hard to tell what this actually means: the Philadelphia Eagles almost beat a legitimate playoff team with the Carson Wentz having the worst game of his rookie season.
Next Game: NYG -2.5 at Philadelphia (Thursday Night)
26. Minnesota Vikings (7-7 SU and 8-6 ATS)
Totally adorable commentators and analysts keep talking about Minnesota as if they’re actually in the playoff picture. Guys, it’s over. It’s been over for a long time.
Next Game: Minnesota at Green Bay -6.5
27. Arizona Cardinals (5-8-1 SU and 4-10 ATS)
Just like everyone else, the Arizona Cardinals were not anticipating the Tim Hightower Revenge Game.
Next Game: Arizona at Seattle -8.0
28. Los Angeles Rams (4-10 SU and 4-9-1 ATS)
The venom that Jeff Fisher is spewing about the Rams organization is a billion times more entertaining than the Rams themselves.
Next Game: San Francisco at Los Angeles -3.5
29. New York Jets (4-10 Su and 5-9 ATS)
Bryce Petty is reportedly “just fine” after getting crushed by Richard Sherman. I’m sure he’s “real excited” to play New England too.
Next Game: NYJ at New England -16.5
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-12 SU and 6-8 ATS)
Gus Bradley getting on Sunday afternoon after Jacksonville’s loss to Houston was so unprofessional that it was hard to believe anything that Shahid Khan said in his overly positive endorsement of him. “We love you! You’re great! You’re fired!” Jacksonville can’t even fire coaches right.
Next Game: Tennessee -4.5 at Jacksonville
31. San Francisco 49ers (1-13 SU and 3-11 ATS)
32. Cleveland Browns (0-14 SU and 2-12 ATS)
It’s not even funny anymore. How are oddsmakers just letting us clean up by betting against these two teams? How have we not see a Browns or Niners spread of +27.5 yet?
Next Game: San Francisco at Los Angeles -3.5
Next Game: San Diego -6.0 at Cleveland
