The second round is showing signs of promise though, as it seems these highly-paid managers might have begun to realise that in order to get to their teams to the next round they should probably tell them to get out of their own halves. Uruguay scored three whole goals against South Africa, which was a welcome relief – and not just because some of us bought Uruguay in the spreads – but also because it silenced those fucking horns at last.
The BBC may be trying to brainwash listeners into hoping South Africa stay in the tournament for as long as possible – whoever was radio commentating on the match last night couldn’t have sounded more underwhelmed by Forlan’s wonderstrike – but here’s hoping the hosts, and those fucking vuvuzelas, go out in the first round.
Today the entertainment factor should move up a notch when Argentina play South Korea and that’s just the thought of seeing Diego Maradona in that ridiculous suit. I don’t know which tailor he goes to but he looks like a three year-old who’s just raided his Dad’s wardrobe – until he turns around that is. Then he just looks like a Che Guevara cloning experiment gone wrong.
It’s the likes of Diego, though, that are keeping the tournament interesting. Quite how a man more known for cheating at football, shagging around, shooting at photographers, and consuming more cocaine than the population of Bogota has got himself into one of the best and most respectable jobs in football is a mystery – but then Diego is nothing if not a miracle-worker. He’s untouchable. A footbaling demi-God. In fact he even obtained his coaching license without going to any lessons because, say the Argentinian FA, “his schedule prevented him from attendng classes”. Well, nailing hos and powdering your nose can be quite time-consuming, can’t it?
Still, a team like Argentina pretty much manages itself. All Diego needs to do is instil discipline, fire up the team and come up with a few tactical strokes of genius. Like slagging off Pele and Michel Platini yesterday. Here are a few snippets of Diego’s pearls of wisdom.
Top Ten Maradona quotes
10. “I have 23 wild cats prepared to leave their skins on the pitch” (June, 2010)
9. “Argentines should relax because to beat this team our rivals will have to put all their beef on the grill” (June, 2010)
8. “If we win the World Cup, I’ll get naked and run around [Buenos Aires’] Obelisk.” (June, 2010)
7. “Pele should go back to the museum.” (June, 2010)
6. “We all know how the French are, and [Michel] Platini is French, and he believes he is better than rest.” (June, 2010)
5. “To those who did not believe [in Argentina qualifying]: now suck my dick – I’m sorry ladies for my words – and keep on sucking it. I am either white or black. I will never be grey in my life. You treated me like you did, now keep on sucking dicks. I am grateful to my players and to the Argentinian people. I thank no one but them. The rest, keep sucking dicks.” (October 2010)
4. “The goal [against England] was scored a little by the hand of god, a little by the head of Maradona.”
3. “My legitimate kids are Dalma and Giannina – the rest are a product of my money and mistakes.”
2. “I did it [smashing a photographer’s car] with the hand of reason.”
1. “Scoring a goal with my hand [against England] was like robbing from a thief.”