At a time when children’s schools are being shot at with more frequency than clay pigeons, Dan Bilzerian is complaining that the LAPD stole some of his guns.
I chuckle at the thought of Virginia Woolf, Jane Austen or Marcel Proust writing a masterpiece about lunacy, love or life only to have their asses handed to them on a plate by a Dan Bilzerian headline. The death of a moth used to enthrall. It can’t compete with a skimpy thong and massive melons.
My son knows Dan Bilzerian. He’s 14-years old. He doesn’t know him personally, and one assumes he doesn’t follow his Instagram account because of his love of goats. What a role model this man is.
This week Bilzerian popped up in the Washington Times. For once, replacing allegations of sexually transmitted diseases, heart attack inducing stripper stories and pictures of two zeppelins having it off in a bra was the cool theme of guns.
It seems one disadvantage of being the king of Instagram and having photo after photo taken of an arsenal of weapons more numerous in number than the Faroe Island’s army, means people who want to kill other people, will turn up at your house to try and steal them.
Fortunately, Bilzerian keeps his guns locked in a secure room and the burglars attempt at creating their little army failed. The security alarms sounded. The burglars legged it. The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) showed up on the scene. They showed the thieves how to rob, and walked out of Bilzerian’s home carrying eight pistols, a rifle and more ammunition than in one of those crappy Sylvester Stallone movies that we all watch from time to time.
According to Bilzerian, the LAPD eventually returned the guns but refused to return the ammunition, instead advising the man who appears in one-second clips of Hollywood’s finest movies, to go back to the station and book a three-hour visit if he was to see his ammo returned.
“It’s not like we were doing anything wrong?” Bilzerian’s assistant Jeremy Guyman told the Washington Times.
Maybe, but what if the burglars had successfully stolen the guns and then sold them to some lunatic who then went into a kids school and started to play Counter Strike for real?
I forgot the best part.
The LAPD took eight pistols and a rifle, but left behind several other firearms including shotguns and an FN SCAR17 with thermal optics; an advanced combat rifle that Bilzerian no doubt uses to shoot at those pesky rabbits who keep digging up his garden and eating all of his organic carrots.