I essentially had no choice but to move the Patriots in to the top spot this week because they beat a really good team without their best player. Doing power rankings (or just regular non-powered rankings) this early is a bit of a tough challenge; so don’t take how I’ve stacked teams too personally. By Week 4 we’ll have a much better sense of the league as a whole. Until then, let’s try and figure out who’s worth your time and who isn’t.
As always, gambling matters in these rankings, which is why ATS records impact where teams fall. The matchups for next week are listed with opening lines, which are obviously subject to change. And don’t forget these are my rankings and not yours so I can do whatever I want. Like put Tampa in the top-10. Enjoy.
1. New England Patriots (1-0 SU and ATS)
Edelman has to be one of the most entertaining receivers in the league. Whenever he’s in the open field and has a chance to do something safe, like running out of bounds, he almost always chooses to do the most dangerous thing possible. I love it. And if the Pats are this good without their two best players, then I can’t imagine what they’re going to be like in October. Even with LaGarrette Blount as their feature back.
Next Game: Miami at New England -6.5
2. Green Bay Packers (1-0 SU and ATS)
Green Bay beat Jacksonville in a fairly tight contest, but the world’s obsession with Eddie Lacy’s weight is embarrassing. At best it’s body shaming, and at worst it’s something way worse. You are big and beautiful, Eddie! Love yourself!
Next Game: Green Bay -2.0 at Minnesota (Sunday Night)
3. Cincinnati Bengals (1-0 SU and ATS)
A.J. Green earned himself a week off with his magnificent performance that yielded 12 catches for 180 yards and a touchdown. He can take his vacation on Revis Island, or whatever’s left of it.
Next Game: Cincinnati at Pittsburgh -3.0
4. Denver Broncos (1-0 SU and ATS)
5. Carolina Panthers (0-1 SU and ATS)
How was Cam Newton nearly getting decapitated by the Broncos the fault of the freaking Panthers? The main take away from this awesome game was that, “They didn’t run the concussion tests properly.” Say what?! Shouldn’t the Broncos have been fined for head hunting constantly? Isn’t that why these rules were made in the first place? Am I the only one taking crazy pills (or had money on Carolina)?!
Next Game: Indianapolis at Denver -6.0
Next Game: San Francisco at Carolina -13.5
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0 SU and ATS)
It happened last year, and it happened this year. Everyone dismissed Pittsburgh because of Le’Veon Bell’s absence and totally ignored that DeAngelo Williams is really damn good.
Next Game: Cincinnati at Pittsburgh -3.0
7. Arizona Cardinals (0-1 SU and ATS)
The Patriots-Cardinals game wasn’t as good as it could’ve been, and I don’t know how much of that is Arians’ fault. Is it me or have John “I’m Not Josh” Brown and Michael “I’m Not Malcolm” Floyd simply not improved at all? Brown’s in his third season and serves a specific role given his size, but Floyd’s in his fifth. He is what he is by now, and he is absolutely no fill-in for Larry Fitzgerald.
Next Game: Tampa at Arizona -6.5
8. Seattle Seahawks (1-0 SU and 0-1 ATS)
You know what’s a great idea? Seeing your franchise quarterback get injured and then keeping him in there during a Week 1 game against a non-divisional opponent who also plays in a different conference. Reports are that Russell Wilson’s ankle injury is “severe”, and even still the team looks like they’re going to play him in Week 2, which sounds almost as dumb as what they did against Miami.
Next Game: Seattle at Los Angeles
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0 SU and ATS)
I want to anoint Jameis Winston to the “elite level” as much as anyone, but I think we can relax for a second. The Atlanta Falcons are a miserable football team. Without any other team really grabbing our attention, it’s safe to say that the Bucs deserve to crack the top-10 here. Don’t worry; it probably won’t last, especially when they hit the road to the desert next Sunday.
Next Game: Tampa at Arizona -6.5
10. New York Jets (0-1 SU and ATS)
Poor Nick Folk. You know that in his head he grew up dreaming of winning games with his boot, waking up the next day to read the headline “That’s all, Folk’s!” Too bad that pun works both ways, especially when you miss a PAT because you shanked a low kick and that cost your team the game.
Next Game: NYJ at Buffalo PK (Thursday Night)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (1-0 SU and 0-1 ATS)
It’s borderline ludicrous that the Chiefs don’t use Travis Kelce more often. Listen, there are plenty of “tight ends” that don’t do all the things the position calls for. Gronkowski is really the only guy that does everything a receiver and a blocker should. Jordan Reed, Tyler Eiffert and Delanie Walker have never blocked anyone in their lives. Kelce needs to be unleashed. His amazing touchdown celebration where he windmills his fist and punches the ball out of his other hand deserves some more airtime. Basically what I’m saying is that I need this, Andy.
Next Game: Kansas City at Houston -2.5
12. Detroit Lions (1-0 SU and ATS)
Theo Riddick looks absolutely pissed off that nobody drafted him in fantasy. Now everyone that passed on him is pissed off. This is the Lions offense we’ve been waiting to see for ages. You know, the one that has a good running back.
Next Game: Tennessee at Detroit -5.5
13. New York Giants (1-0 SU and ATS)
Yup, the Giants clock in as the thirteenth best team. It’s still early. They’re not that good; they’re just lucky that Dallas is being led by two rookies. That being said, the Giants feel like a bit of a sleeper team. Mostly because I feel like taking a nap when watching them.
Next Game: New Orleans at NYG -4.5
14. Oakland Raiders (1-0 SU and ATS)
Let’s keep in mind that the Raiders needed a phantom pass interference call to keep their hopes alive. I’m probably the only person that thinks that calling interference on an uncatchable pass (like the one Carr threw at Seth Roberts which basically landed in the stands) is pretty stupid. If you really think a defender accosts a receiver, you can just call unnecessary roughness.
Next Game: Atlanta at Oakland -4.5
15. Washington Redskins (0-1 SU and ATS)
I’m not giving up on Washington! They got blown up because Jay Gruden, for some reason, refused to keep Josh Norman glued to Antonio Brown, which was the main reason anyone watched the game. The Redskins caught some ugly breaks in the first half, which robbed them of some momentum. I still believe they’ll shake out as a profitable play overall.
Next Game: Dallas at Washington -2.5
16. Houston Texans (1-0 SU and ATS)
I really don’t know what to think about Brock Osweiler. He played fine against a pretty bad defence. I still can’t shake it that he went 3-5 ATS last year on a Super Bowl champion. I just can’t. It’ll take a while until I trust him as much as the Texans do.
Next Game: Kansas City at Houston -2.5
17. Indianapolis Colts (0-1 SU and ATS)
If you’re trying to figure out why the Colts are so bad, here’s a hint: all their picks from the 2013 NFL Draft were waived aside from Hugh Thornton, who’s on the injured reserve. The only survivor from their 2014 draft was Donte Moncrief. Their 2015 draft is a mess with just Philip Dorsett (1st round) and Denzelle Goode (7th rounder) starting for them. The rest are injured or waived. The 2016 Draft produced center Ryan Kelly and not much else. Congrats on nailing the Andrew Luck selection in 2012 though!
Next Game: Indianapolis at Denver -6.0
18. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0 SU and ATS)
Dak Prescott looked lost against the Giants. Jared Goff couldn’t even start in a game where Case Keenum was beyond useless. And Carson Wentz was actually good. So is this going to completely revolutionize how scouts look for the top passer? Is Division 2 NCAA Football about to be pillaged? Is that even something to be excited about? I don’t understand anything.
Next Game: Philadelphia at Chicago -3.0 (Monday Night)
19. Minnesota Vikings (1-0 SU and ATS)
I’d really love Shaun Hill to gain so much momentum over the next few weeks that it forces the Vikings to bench Sam Bradford, who they paid a first and fourth rounder for. Sure that sounds mean, but what do I care about a guy getting paid $20 million-plus for no apparent reason?
Next Game: Green Bay -2.0 at Minnesota (Sunday Night)
20. Baltimore Ravens (1-0 SU and ATS)
The Ravens are doing that thing where they’re notoriously boring during the regular season, but dynamite against certain spreads and maybe bound for the playoffs on the heels of a depressing 9-7 season. Sounds about right for a team led by Joe Flacco. Just remember, the boring teams that are actually competitive usually grade out as fantastic bets on certain weeks.
Next Game: Baltimore -7.0 at Cleveland
21. San Diego Chargers (0-1 SU and 1-0 ATS)
Everyone freaked out about the San Diego Chargers collapsing in the second half as if losing your number one receiver isn’t a big deal. Keenan Allen has to be praising his agent for getting him that $45 million deal with over $20 million guaranteed this past summer.
Next Game: Jacksonville at San Diego -3.0
22. Chicago Bears (0-1 SU and ATS)
We are officially a decade removed from the last time the Chicago Bears won a Super Bowl. It is me or do the Bears feel like they made a conscious decision to get worse over a very long period of time? It’s like watching the polar icecaps melt. I mean receiver Kevin White spent his entire rookie season rehabbing his knee and couldn’t even be bothered to learn the playbook.
Next Game: Philadelphia at Chicago -3.0 (Monday Night)
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1 SU and ATS)
That pool at the Jacksonville stadium looks categorically disgusting, but if it’s over 110 degrees at the stadium, then I’m more than willing to crawl in there and take my chances. What else are you going to do in Jacksonville on the weekends anyways?
Next Game: Jacksonville at San Diego -3.0
24. New Orleans Saints (0-1 SU and ATS)
It’s probably safe to say that the crappy defence in New Orleans last year wasn’t all Rob Ryan’s fault.
Next Game: New Orleans at NYG -4.5
25. Dallas Cowboys (0-1 SU and ATS)
I guess we can hit the kill switch on all that preseason chatter about Dak Prescott. I’m not saying that I’m going to bet a lot of money on Washington next week but…oh wait a second yes I am.
Next Game: Dallas at Washington -2.5
26. Tennessee Titans (0-1 SU and ATS)
It’s always my favorite thing when coaches try to pander to a young, struggling quarterback by installing some college plays like options and sweeps. Because those never work at the pro level. It didn’t work when Michael Vick was in his prime; it’s not going to work with Marcus Mariota. Linebackers like Anthony Barr, however, must love it when they run those plays. It’s like a free lunch.
Next Game: Tennessee at Detroit -5.5
27. Atlanta Falcons (0-1 SU and ATS)
Matt Ryan threw for 334 yards and 2 touchdowns. It’s totally meaningless because he lost. It’s also totally meaningless because he didn’t look nearly that good in real life. Which might mean that Matt Ryan has an inevitably meaningless career. At least we despise Jay Cutler. I’m so ambivalent about Matt Ryan that I don’t really care to even finish writing this whole blurb.
Next Game: Atlanta at Oakland -4.5
28. Buffalo Bills (0-1 SU and ATS)
Tyrod Taylor threw for 111 yards and no touchdowns, and the Bills ran for 65 more. Their 160 yards against Baltimore were the worst by any team in Week 1. Hopefully that gets better, or that $92 million carrot the Bills dangled in front of Taylor is the cruelest joke in the whole league. “Look at all this life changing money you’re never going to have because Rex Ryan has no idea what he’s doing!”
Next Game: NYJ at Buffalo PK (Thursday Night)
29. San Francisco 49ers (1-0 SU and ATS)
I really thought Chip Kelly was sending Kaepernick in to the game during the fourth quarter to do what he does best and take a knee. Ok, I’m kidding. I sincerely support Kap sparking a positive, worldwide discussion about what it means to be a patriot. I’m not necessarily a member of the “media”, but if I were I’d be steering the discussion towards why Kaepernick actually started protesting in the first place instead of overanalyzing what teams are doing during the national anthem. Please remember for your own sake that this whole thing isn’t about how people are postured during a pre-game ceremony. It’s about people getting killed by police for no justifiable reason without consequences.
Next Game: San Francisco at Carolina -13.5
30. Miami Dolphins (0-1 SU and 1-0 ATS)
Head coach Adam Gase was touted as an “offensive genius” when he signed with the Dolphins, who haven’t been able to figure out what a good head coach is since Dave Wannstedt (who at least looked the part with that awesome mustache). The funny part? They had Todd Bowles! Gase’s talents were on fine display as the Dolphins coughed up two fumbles, and Tannehill couldn’t gain any headway in a close game. The Dolphins get zero credit for covering in this one. If you trust them even remotely, you’re a lunatic.
Next Game: Miami at New England -6.5
31. Cleveland Browns (0-1 SU and ATS)
As if Cleveland talking themselves in to RG3 wasn’t bad enough, now they have to talk themselves back in to Josh McCown. The Cavaliers won a championship, the Indians might win the division…and the Browns are still the Browns. Glad to see that some things never change. I need some consistency in my life.
Next Game: Baltimore -7.0 at Cleveland
32. Los Angeles Rams (0-1 SU and ATS)
Is it a “Hard Knocks Curse” if they were already terrible? Did the Rams set offensive football back fifty years like Herm Edwards said, or did they just pick up where the 1994 Los Angeles Rams left off when they went 4-12? Is Goff so bad that he can’t start over the a guys who threw for 130 yards and 2 picks, or is Fisher just trying to protect him? Did the NFL intentionally do their east coast fans a favor by scheduling a matchup so agonizingly boring to watch in the late night slot that people wouldn’t have to stay up? Does St. Louis miss this team at all? Will we ever have anything positive to say about the L.A. Rams?
Next Game: Seattle at Los Angeles
