When it comes to sports rivalries, there aren’t many that go deeper than the animosity that exists between England and Australia. Ever since some wise guy came up with the genius idea of resettling hundreds of immigrants on the Pacific Island the tension between the two countries has been played out in any number of sporting arenas.
Until a few years back, it was level pegging. We had our football, they had both codes of rugby, and it was all hunky dory. There’s always been the contentious other sport though. One played with bats and contested in the hot of the British or Australian summer. We’re of course referring to cricket and the biggest match up of them all – the Ashes involving England and Australia. The tour begins today for the English players.
As the English players donned their flannel to board the 23-hour flight to the land down under, the Aussies were already scoring points in the build up to this year’s clash. In their own true, brash style, a picture of Ricky Ponting and Michael Clarke was beamed onto the Palace of Westminster aka Big Ben to remind the English not to forget that precious little urn. It’s rather funny to be honest, but instead of retaliating with something, the British have decided to sue. We’re not in America for Christ’s sake!
So what could our noble, brave warriors of cricket do to return the favour when they touch down on Aussie soil?
Now what would really set the cat amongst the pigeons would be to, as well as the players’ plane, pack one full of the most horrible collection of people you can find. It would be a mix of the annoying, the chavvy, members of the aristocracy and anyone you can think of that might annoy the Aussies.
Bringing it back to the cricket though and the best thing, apart from having Kevin Pietersen in the side, would be to take a 1981 Ian Botham in the travelling party. Obviously, he’ll already be documenting everything that goes on for the Sky broadcasting team but this would strike the fear of God into the hosts. Anyone who saw his exploits during the 80s would be hard pushed to disagree with this choice. If winning cricket isn’t enough for the new breed of sports fans, I’m sure he would drink most of them under the table as well.
So you’ve got the annoying “fans”, the returning hero, and to cap it all off all there needs to be someone to make an absolute tit of themselves. We had the Fredalo incident at the World Cup in the Caribbean and plenty more drinking along the way, this is where they will be remembered though. Maybe if one of them scales the Harbour Bridge before baring some cheek at the top?
It might make everyone forget about the 5-0 whitewash that us pommies have just received.