Screaming infidelities! It’s the Woods divorce

tiger elinThe news that Tiger Woods and wife Elin Nordegren are divrocing will be met with mild applause among porn industry magnates, his agent, coach, and anyone looking to get a piece of the Woods pie as it could signal one thing – his return to golfing form.

Nordgren is set to receive a reported $750m of the sports stars coveted green stuff, but does this pay off not just prove the adage that she is the biggest hooker of all Tiger’s conquests? $570m for a few years in the sack, a couple of kids, and being the blonde mute in what now looks like a sham of a marriage: if I were Woodsy I’d be fuming.

You can compare it to another famous sporting philanderer, John Terry. The Chelsea, and former-England, captain was once found to be receiving oral sex in the backseat of the car, and if you’re ever around him with your wife you need to be careful, but has his wife kicked up a stink? Nope. Does she really give a shit as long as her status as ‘footballer’s wife’ is intact? Of course not.

It probably helps that Terry’s significant other, Toni, came from a background where marrying a footballer was seen as the ultimate status symbol, and realised that everyone had dipped their wick with Vanessa Perroncel so JT26 probably deserved a stab, being England captain and all.

So really, Elin, you should take a leaf out of TT’s book, and not become the best-paid hooker in recent history by accepting this offer. Tiger has a billion in the bank, the best golfing talent this generation’s seen, and is likely to see for years to come, and has a little black book containing the names of a plethora of porn-stars, cocktail waitresses, and anyone else he wants for that matter – Perroncel’s name’s even in there, so I hear on the sporting grapevine.

It remains to be seen then how much Nordegren actually receives – estimates starting at $100m and soaring to the aforementioned figure of $750m, and what determines how much she receives. Tiger, if I were you, go to court armed with a book of all your conquests over the past five years, and the rankings you’ve given them – hell you might have even used that iPhone app they brought out. Use this to explain to the court that, although she was quite the doting mother, Elin was never as good as those porn stars at doing the bad stuff. So how much should he receive, if this were the case? Maybe around $1m, if that. I mean Tiger’s got to pay for the lavish, bachelors, single lifestyle that he’s now going to lead and it wont come cheap.

Anyway here’s some free advice (unless you get $750m, which means we need to be compensated): play hard, or go home Elin.