Week five of the English Premier League comes to a close with the alphabet separating the two Manchester clubs, and Crystal Palace setting a Premier League record that nobody wants.
Watford 0 v 6 Man City
Bookies favourite Man City sit on top of the Premier League, after humiliating Watford at Vicarage Road, albeit because the letter ‘C’ comes before the letter ‘U’ in the alphabet.
The victory wasn’t unexpected. The manner was. Watford has looked strong early doors winning two, and drawing two in their first four games. And although City came into this tie banging goals in for fun, Watford had kept three clean sheets in the past four games. So it was never supposed to be a mauling, but the Premier League is the best in the world because of its ability to produce the unexpected.
The undoubted star of the show was Sergio Aguero. There are times this little magician reminds me of Diego Maradona. His stockiness bulldozing through defenders like a rhino charging through the bush, epitomised by a third goal that saw him take the ball of Kyle Walker and surge through a throng of defenders to slide the ball home from an acute angle.
Aguero has now scored ten hat tricks in his Man City career, six in the Premier League, and Watford will be sick of the sight of him. Aguero has now scored nine goals against the Hornets in five games.
Aguero’s strike partner, Gabriel Jesus, also got into the action with a goal. Then again, there isn’t a game when the little Brazilian isn’t involved in the goals. In his previous 15 games, Jesus has scored 11 times and provided four assists.
A bullet header from Nicolas Otamendi and a late penalty from Raheem Sterling finished off the rout. It was Watford’s heaviest top-flight defeat in the club’s history.
Man Utd 4 v 0 Everton
Man City didn’t just take the sting out of the Hornets. They reached inside and ripped out the heart.
How would their neighbours in Old Trafford respond?
With an equally impressive mauling.
With Paul Pogba missing through injury, it was a good time for the United manager to see how his side would react without their most expensive signing.
He now has his answer.
United never looked in danger of losing from the moment Antonio Valencia unleashed an unstoppable shot past Jordan Pickford in the fourth minute.
United is a bogey side for Everton.
This defeat was the 34th in Premier League history, a record, and you have to feel for Everton having had to face four of the league’s top six sides from last season in their first five matches. But their fans expect more than this. The board will expect more than this.
It was a case of two former strikers.
One, Wayne Rooney, was substituted with ten minutes of the match remaining. The United fans gave him a standing ovation. Jose Mourinho shook his hand. And Everton reacted by opening the floodgates.
The other striker, Romelu Lukaku, put the ball on a plate for Henry Mkhitaryan to score United’s second goal, before scoring the third for himself. It was Lukaku’s fifth Premier League goal in five games since his £75m move. There was no show of faith to his former fans as he cupped his ears in a derisory manner in celebrating his goal. Anthony Martial scored the fourth from the penalty spot in injury time.
United share top spot with City.
Everton moves into the bottom three.
Ronald Koeman’s side hasn’t won an away game in 11 attempts, and they haven’t scored a goal in 325 minutes of football, including a 3-0 defeat away to Atalanta in the Europa League in midweek.
Everton spent £148m on summer transfers (£54.2m net), and that’s why Ronald Koeman is the 2/1 second favourite to become the second Premier League casualty of the season.
Newcastle 2 v 1 Stoke
Is Newcastle going to force me to eat humble pie?
The Geordies woefully began the season prompting me to suggest they will lose their manager and fall back into the Championship by season end.
I still believe in my prediction, but they are going through a mini-surge in form winning three games on the spin, the first time they have done so in the top flight since 2014.
The man inspiring this change in fortune is Matt Ritchie. The former Bournemouth star is a magician. He has provided 11 assists since the beginning of last season, included two in this match.
The first allowed Christian Atsu to sneak in at the far stick to volley the ball home from close range in the 19th minute. The second hit the head of the Newcastle captain Jamaal Lascelles, who scored the winner in the 68th minute.
In between those two moments of Magpie magic, Xherdan Shaqiri netted for the Potters, his sixth goal from outside of the box since joining Stoke. Former Stoke forward Joselu will want to forget about this one. The Spaniard, who said he left Stoke because Mark Hughes didn’t trust him, wasted so many opportunities I’m wondering how long it will before Rafa stops trusting him?
Newcastle moves into fourth after their win.
Stoke suffered their first defeat since the opening day of the season.
Crystal Palace 0 v 1 Southampton
What a time for Roy Hodgson to stick his slippers in the closet and slap the polish on his boots.
The new Crystal Palace manager took the reins for the first time against Southampton, and ended with a new record – the first side to lose their opening five games without scoring a goal in Premier League history.
And they didn’t have to wait long to go behind.
A tenth minute cross by Dusan Tadic leading to an early winning strike from Sean Davis from ten-yards.
Palace remains rooted at the foot of the table, as the only side yet to register a point after Bournemouth beat Brighton 2-1.
The other day I saved a bat from drowning in my pool. I called the animal welfare people to take care of it. They arrived. They took it. They told me they are going to put it to sleep because it might have rabies.
Crystal Palace is that bat.
Next up: Man City, Man Utd and Chelsea.
Here are the rest of the weekend’s results:
Premier League Week 5 Results
Bournemouth 2 v 1 Brighton
Crystal Palace 0 v 1 Southampton
Huddersfield 1 v 1 Leicester
West Brom 0 v 0 West Ham
Liverpool 1 v 1 Burnley
Watford 0 v 6 Man City
Newcastle 2 v 1 Stoke
Spurs 0 v 0 Swansea
Chelsea 0 v 0 Arsenal
Man Utd 4 v 0 Everton
Premier League Table (Week 5)
1. Man City – 13 pts
2. Man Utd – 13
3. Chelsea – 10
4. Newcastle – 9
5. Spurs – 8
6. Huddersfield – 8
7. Burnley – 8
8. Liverpool – 8
9. Southampton – 8
10. West Brom – 8
11. Watford – 8
12. Arsenal – 7
13. Stoke – 5
14. Swansea – 5
15. Leicester – 4
16. Brighton – 4
17. West Ham – 4
18. Everton – 4
19. Bournemouth – 3
20. Crystal Palace – 0
Premier League Title Winning Odds
Man City +120
Man Utd +275
Chelsea +450
Spurs +1000
