Lee Davy continues his confessions series with a little ditty about reaching forty, the changes that are happening in his life, and the importance of the four c’s.
I’m changing.
I can feel it.
It started when I quit alcohol. That was five years ago. Drunkenness changed to sobriety-sobriety changed to holistic health. In those five years everything has changed.
I fell out of love, I got divorced, I left my home, I moved back in with my parents, I lost the intimacy of fatherhood, I quit my job, I created a new job out of thin air, I fell in love again, I remarried, I found the intimacy of fatherhood again, I moved out of my parents, I created a new home, I started traveling, I stopped gambling, I got out of debt, I started investing, I became a vegetarian, I became a vegan, I started a daily yoga practice, I started a daily meditation practice, I started a daily running practice, I stopped watching pornography, I started a daily journaling practice, I started a daily gratitude practice, I started reading one book per week, I wrote my first book and I started to donate money to charity.
That’s a lot of change.
But that’s nothing compared to the feelings I have in my mind, body and soul as I turn 40. I’m not sure if it’s wisdom, but I feel this pull towards those less fortunate than me. I feel a pull towards the earth. Like the salmon and the birds. I feel like I am being pulled along by a force that is unknown to me.
About six months ago I started to donate 2% of my gross earnings to Raising for Effective Giving (REG). For the past two months I have increased that to 3%. I intend to continue to increase it by 1% each year. My ultimate goal is to give everything I earn to those less fortunate than me.
I have wanted to do it for a long time. Fear stopped me. Fear of not having enough money. I have a continual battle with this fear. I have it now as I type. In the past few months my monthly income has been cut by £1,800. That creates a lot of fear.
I was recently asked to write articles promoting online poker rooms. There was nothing sinister with the request. People do it all of the time. A year ago I would have said yes. Yesterday, I said no. My beliefs and values are important to me now. Would you laugh if I told you that until recently I didn’t even know what mine were? It’s true. So now I have found them, they are important.
I cannot write about something I don’t believe in. If I think an online poker room is a steaming pile of cow dung, I don’t have to write about it, but I certainly don’t want to be paid to right the opposite.
Freedom of expression is one of my most important values. I need to be able to write what I choose, about whom I choose, and about whatever topic I choose. Otherwise I feel like I am being controlled. I don’t like that feeling.
I read the other day that members of the media generally write about the three c’s: controversy, conflict and change. I think that’s about right. I dip in and out of all three of them with increasing alacrity. As I age I want to add a fourth C to the mix: caring.
I want to start using my position to help people, instead of helping myself. I have been a little bit selfish. It’s time to start to care more. It’s time to start giving back on a regular basis, and not just from time to time.
I also want to start thinking about what I write a lot more. I rush. I have a lot of work to do, and so little time. My pen can cut. I am aware of that. I recently wrote an article about Katie Dozier’s open letter to PokerStars. I used the headline: Trickett Slams Ferrari; Dozier Slams PokerStars and Negreanu Slams Cheats.
Dozier reminded me on Twitter that she didn’t ‘Slam’ PokerStars. She simply offered constructive criticism. I know that. I always knew that. I brushed it aside to create a headline that contained a little controversy – and rhymed. I need to be more present; more thoughtful of others.
I have been driven by the wrong forces in life – mainly money. Everything I do is geared up for a financial reward of some description. And for what? A nice home, a nice holiday, a nice pair of Gucci shoes?
All money has ever given me is stress. If I can start thinking about abundance in a different, less material way, then I will find more joy. I’ve been trying to do that a lot more these days. Trying being the optimal word. It’s going to take time. I have a watch with the word NOW written on it, but I don’t always stare at my watch.
I do care.
I care about everything.
I gave up eating meat because I cared about my body. I then learned about the horrific treatment of animals and I was glad that I had given up eating meat because I cared about the animals. I have since learned about the devastation livestock farming methods cause to our planet. I have become vegan because I care about my planet.
My friends laugh when I tell them that I have quit watching porn. It’s become such a staple part of a man’s life, that anyone who stops watching it is less of a man. A stopped watching it because I care about women.
I gave up drinking alcohol because I cared about my previous marriage. I run everyday because I care about my body. I practice yoga and meditation because I care about my wife. I get angry, easily frustrated, and have a short fuse. It’s lengthening because I care about these habits.
I have just spent the past 20-days having five minute cold showers. I have done this because I care about others. I am trying to feel what it’s like to face adversity and get through it. Five minutes is a long time, but I stayed under there because I care about helping people overcome change.
I also care about you.
The people who read what I write
I am forever grateful for the opportunity to sit in my jim-jams and share a piece of my heart with you.
Long may it continue.
