Punters week: Let there be Choi at Augusta

Can Westwood and Choi twist Tiger's tail?
Can Westwood and Choi twist Tiger's tail?

‘Christ is risen’, I said to nobody in particular after I fell out of bed into a sexy heap after a well deserved lie-in. I admit I tend to get a lie-in most days, but Sunday’s lie-in was like some kind of Easter bonus. The head still fizzed a bit though. The cat appeared to be the only sentient being within hearing distance, I wondered if she had got the connection.

It was the end of a long and sort-of-fruitful week. Lagers had been drunk, horses gambled on, roulette wheels spun, coins tossed and home-made chocolate brownies eaten. Brownies that indeed I had fashioned with my own fair hand. Now, it is Monday morning and golfing reality has dawned. Charl Schwartzel made us a few quid in place money, but a few quid isn’t going to change the world. Well it might, but that’s a political debate and I don’t have the time.

A strange evening of karaoke in a Chinese restaurant; simply because it was my sister’s birthday. I don’t really understand the principle behind this pastime, maybe it’s because I am rather monotone or even binotone, but give me a roulette table, some chips and a spinning ball any day. I talked my way through a Depeche Mode song, drank some cheap wine and wandered off in search of a life-changing night bus.

A day of European Champions playing in their leaguey cup tournament thingy. A Bordeaux and Man Utd double looked a decent wager. So £50 on the two seemed the right option. I explained the sense of this to my mate later as we sat in the pub waiting for the Utd game to start. ‘Can’t see it myself,’ said my mate. After the match, I explained to him that he ought to get into sports tipping. Could call the column ‘Can’t See It Myself’ and aim it at exchange punters. ‘Cheerio’ he said.

A cheeky draw double on the two Champions League matches was designed to sort everything out. Both games look impossible to separate, so a £50 double and a £10 no-goalscorer double was thrown in for good measure. An afternoon in the casino at least yielded a £100 profit to cover those stupid bets. Much lager was drunk, followed by thoughts of the impending Houston golf. Bets were positioned, peppering was peppered and the lead-up to the weekend was on.

Went round a mate’s house and ended up winning £50 in a lager-fuelled coin-against-the-wall game. It got so tense that my mate had to apologise afterwards to his neighbour for all the language that had been used. There really is an argument for this to go national, get televised and become the new gambling game of choice. I can see it now; tournaments in pubs up and down the land, David Beckham involved as an ambassador, my cat on the poster… I believe it was down to my unique style of throwing the coin with a slight arc whilst balancing on one leg that made all the difference.

A day of baking. Hand-made brownies and an asparagus quiche were fashioned from nothing. I am indeed Christ-like.

Drunk beyond recognition, but somehow won £100 after a morning in the bookies.

The US Masters is upon us! Tiger is back! On top of this, the Grand National is also but a few days away. A week of joy is ahead. We have Big Fella Thanks and Black Apalachi already in the locker. Everyone is talking about Mon Mome after Cheltenham, but stick with those two and I’m going to add Irish Raptor – although untried at the distance he loves the big fences having won last year’s Topham.

Also, adding Schwartzel, Westwood and KJ Choi to the Masters picks after their recent performances. I bid you goodnight.

Running total after Week 10: £1335

Ante-post portfolio

Horse Racing
Big Fella Thanks – Grand National 20/1
Black Apalachi – Grand National 16/1
Irish Raptor – Grand National 40/1
Kieron Fallon – Jockey Championship 7/2
Co-ordinated Cut – The Derby 33/1

Chelsea – Premier League 6/4
Bordeaux – Champions League 33/1
Barcelona – Champions League 3/1
Cardiff – Championship 25/1
Aston Villa – FA Cup 9/1
Lionel Messi – Champions League Top scorer 9/1
Didier Drogba – Premier League Top Scorer 6/1
Torres – Top World Cup Scorer 12/1

Ding Junhui – World Championship 12/1
Stephen Maguire – World Championship 14/1

Nick Watney – US Masters 50/1
Charles Schwartzel – US Masters 60/1
KJ Choi – US Masters 80/1
Lee Westwood – US Masters 22/1