Dear Santa,
Your old friend Keith Alexander here. It’s that time of year again when kids (and kids at heart) the world over write letters telling you what they want for Christmas, and I could really use a boost of Christmas magic to help keep America safe. I know that you keep track of who’s naughty and who’s nice and that you decide whether to grant those wishes based on which category the writer falls into. You’ve been an EFF member since that patent troll sued you over your Santa’s Worshop podcast, so I know I’m probably on your naughty list. Then again, I did keep that LOVEINT about you and the reindeer quiet last year, so I trust you to do the right thing. Besides, these are small requests in the big scheme of things. Given all the NSA does for America, I’m sure you’ll find a way to give us a little help for the holidays.
A little help: As you know, Santa, earlier this year we had an incident with a contractor leaking millions of documents to the press. The thing is, we don’t really know exactly what he took – and despite the confident appearance I project, it’s unlikely that I’ll ever know the true extent. Perhaps you can just see fit to call this one a gift. If not, maybe you could send some of your elves to help when the Christmas rush is over and we can return the favor by giving them some training in how to install backdoors in – uh, I mean, protect the North Pole’s computer systems.
Dianne Feinstein’s FISA Improvements Act: One of the NSA’s greatest allies throughout the difficult period following the leaks has been Senator Dianne Feinstein. While many others in Washington have questioned our mission and how we go about fulfilling it, Sen. Feinstein has steadfastly refused to question us to any degree. In fact, she’s done even better than that and sponsored the FISA Improvements Act to make all of our surveillance legal and even expand our powers. It would be a truly happy Christmas at Fort Meade if you could find a way to help out with this one, especially since there are reports out there right now that her bill is on life support.
A favorable ruling: There are a number of cases pending in the federal courts right now that could have a major impact on NSA’s ability to collect all the electronic communications in the United States. The government has moved to dismiss both Jewel v. NSA and Shubert v. Obama in the past with no luck, so it looks like we need some help from the judiciary in those two. And of course there was the recent ruling by a district court judge that our dragnet surveillance program is unconstitutional. (The nerve!) If you can’t find a way to give us a helpful ruling, maybe you could just grab a few choice bits of data off one of the judges’ computers while you’re making your Christmas Eve rounds – nobody would ever have to know you were the source.
An electrician worth his salt: I don’t know if you heard about it or not, but our new data center in Utah has suffered all sorts of electrical problems since it opened. We have the arc lightning and fires under control now, but there are still lots of problems keeping us from fully implementing our surveillance programs. I’m certainly never going to speak ill of the work that government contractors do, but let’s just say that a little input from outside this contract would be greatly appreciated.
A sweet job: I’ve finalized my plans for leaving office next year. It doesn’t have anything to do with all the unfair flak NSA has caught this year. I just think 40 years is a nice round figure to end my military career with. The last four directors of the NSA have all gone on to lucrative jobs after their tenure was up, and I think I’m just as deserving as they were. It doesn’t matter whether it’s venture capital like Ken Minihan or consultancy like Will Studeman, Mike McConnell, and Mike Hayden – anything that lets me stay in the game is fine by me!
Whatever you can send my way would be greatly appreciated, Santa.
Thanks in advance,
Keith
