When the Global Poker Index (GPI) pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes with the spoof press release for the launch of the GPI Matchmaker Dating App, it got me thinking.
Who would top a GPI 300 when it came to measuring sex appeal instead of skill?
I don’t get paid enough to write a full GPI 300 of smoking hot manliness, but I have managed to pull eight rather handsome fellas from my head…which rather disturbingly…doesn’t disturb me.
In no particular order.
The vivacious Viking from Vantaa is the type of guy you go to bed wishing that when you wake up you look like him. Remember, when the kid in the movie BIG asked Zoltan if he could be Tom Hanks when he woke up, well I asked to be Patrik Antonius.
The kid got his dream and yet I woke up looking like that rapper bloke from South Korea.
Anyway, I digress.
This is the type of face that Calvin Klein would pay millions to see him kitted out in a tight pair of whiteys, and to rub even more salt into the wounds he is exceptionally talented, and a multi millionaire.
The only man who makes Brad Pitt look like Shane McGowan on a bad hair day.
There was a time when I was covering a hand at a table where Yevgeniy Timoshenko was receiving a massage from a smoking hot masseuse, when this poker player walked past, stopped, looked at the couple and said.
“Man…you are so pretty.”
He wasn’t talking about the masseuse.
The Ukrainian is that pretty I could slap a wig on him, pucker up those lips with some Estee Lauder and call him Jenny Timoshenko and men would drool over him.
Come to think about it…I don’t think I have ever seen him peeing standing up.
3# Dario Sammartino
How can you create a list of lustiness and not include a smoking hot bit of crumpet from Italy?
Sammartino is one those players who could walk into a poker room wearing a black bin bag and you would think he looked good. Fortunately, the bin bags stay in the Sammartino kitchen, because this kid is one snappy dresser.
Not only does he dress well but he looks well too.
His hair is always preened to perfection and he wears that stubble better than anyone I have seen. Then he opens his mouth, a lot of Italian nonsense spills out, roses flower in the garden, volcanoes erupt on remote islands, and people just faint in front of him.
4# Anton Wigg
Anton Wigg is a big favorite around the females of the poker room. I know because I regularly slip on the saliva that is often drooling from their swollen bottom lips.
Swedish women are HOT but so are the men it would seem.
Wigg not only looks aesthetically pleasing to the eye, but he is also a very deep and spiritual man, meaning he will also get a lot of votes from the deep and meaningful gang.
When Wigg isn’t playing online poker he can be found helping children who suffer from aspergers, toning his body through yoga, refueling his mind through meditation, and no doubt working out a plan of how he can win millions at poker to solve world peace.
5# Steve Watts
Steve Watts is that good looking he very nearly made it into the final line up of the pop band Another Level and he can’t even sing.
It’s not only managers of pop bands who think that Wattsy is a horny, hunk of hotness. There are also rumors that he was once a underwear catalogue model for Freeman’s.
Watts is another man cut from the Sammartino mould when it comes to his clothing line. He never wears the same thing twice, which is completely unheard of for a poker player, and seems to make the most awful chose of clothing look absolutely mustard.
His arms are so big that he can only play six-max tournaments, and the women just love that British accent. I know because each year when I am in Vegas the women always come up to me and say, “it’s a shame you look like that rapper bloke from South Korea because your English accent is hot.”