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World’s biggest testicles, world’s smallest minds

TAGs: john shimkus, Spencer Bachus

biggest-testicles-smallest-minds“We couldn’t believe the size of these organs.” Those are the words an English researcher used to describe the testicles of the tuberous bushcricket (or katydids, as they’re known on the other side of the pond). Bushcricket testicles account for up to 14% of their body mass, which makes you wonder how the little fuckers ever catch up to the females they’re trying to knock up. It must be a big help that female bushcrickets are party girls, mating with up to 23 different partners over a mere two-month life span.

Speaking of giant sluts, the US Congress will be reconvening on Nov. 15 for the so-called ‘lame duck’ session. With the Republicans having regained control of the House of Representatives, the chairmanships of very important committees will also be changing hands soon. Speculation is high that anti-gambling moralizer Spencer Bachus will be assuming Barney Frank’s old seat as chair of the Financial Services Committee, effectively killing Frank’s HR2267 online poker bill while still in the womb. (And we thought Repubs were pro-life?)

But Bachus isn’t the only God-fearin’ zealot looking to get himself a fancy new high-chair from which to look down at us wretched sinners. John Shimkus (R-Illinois) wants to become chairman of the Committee on Energy and Commerce, which, among other things, handles issues related to climate change. Thing is, Shimkus doesn’t believe in climate change, or at least, doesn’t believe it’s anything God can’t handle.

Back in 2009, Shimkus reminded a committee hearing that God had made a promise to Noah after the flood that He wouldn’t eradicate all life on the planet ever again – and this time, He means it, baby, honestly, I’ve changed – and Shimkus takes God at His ‘infallible, unchanging, perfect’ word.

Moreover, Shimkus rejects the notion that man is even capable of ruining God’s creation. We should all consider ourselves fortunate that this idjit’s finger was never on the nuclear trigger during the Cold War, because Shimkus apparently doesn’t believe that nuclear winter would have been anything that an extra pair of socks couldn’t have cured.

Seriously, with true believers like this in positions of influence, anyone who still believes pro-online gambling legislation will ever happen at the federal level is chasing rainbows.

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