Revealed: the secret to vuvuzela-free World Cup television

Remember all those old Spartacus-type ‘sword n’ sandal’ movies of the 1950’s? You know, the ones where legions of Roman soldiers would lift those long slender horns to their lips and out would come this wonderfully harmonic melody? Well, clearly some cunt was having us on, because tens of thousands of South Africans blowing those godforsaken vuvuzela horns has so far produced nothing but a 4-ton bumblebee’s mating call, and many World Cup fans think the constant droning has turned the beautiful game into an ugly assault on their ears.

Well, fear not, footie fans. The boffins have been hard at work figuring out a technological workaround for you TV watchers. Turns out, it’s a simple matter of fiddling with the equalizer settings on your TV or computer. Easier, not to mention less invasive, than sticking knitting needles in one’s ears. Read more.