Here in Chicago, Boystown is quiet tonight. It seems kind of surprising; after all, today governor Pat Quinn signed into law a bill legalizing gay marriage in the state of Illinois. It might be that the real test was already passed earlier this month, when the bill passed the state legislature after a multi-year battle. It might be that it’s thirty-eight degrees and raining outside (why the hell did I move to Chicago? Four more months of this shit. Global warming needs to hurry its ass up.) Or it may be that gay people are actually realizing what they’ve done, and are perhaps saving their boozing for when they get married, which seems to be when most of my friends want to drink the most.
It’s nice to see the law signed; but, to be honest, it still seems weird that we’re even having this conversation anymore. Just let gay people married. Why is this so difficult?
I honestly don’t get the arguments against gay marriage. Most reek of desperation. There’s the biblical argument: something about the Old Testament and the fact that “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” This is not because God is anti-gay, but only, as I’ve written before, because God has a very dark sense of humor and thinks having men and women is much, much funnier. And the phrase is just mean; it always makes me feel terrible for gay guys named Adam, because their dating pool is already limited by the fact that they’re gay, and now they can’t date anybody named Steve, because can you imagine the shit you would take if you were at a a bar in Boystown and said, “Hi, I’m Adam, and this is Steve.” And Steve is a popular name! The whole thing is very unfair to gay Adams, and frankly, I can’t see a just God allowing such a thing to happen.
There are a number of arguments that somehow pertain to the “threat” of gay marriage and its effect on society. Here’s the problem: the people that want to get married are already gay. Two gay guys can buy the house next to you right now, whether they’re married or not. They’re still going to have gay sex, like, twenty feet from your bedroom. And, if you’re the kind of person who gets bothered by that, you should want them to get married, because then, like most married couples, they will stop having sex and you won’t have to think about it anymore. Meanwhile, now you’ve got gay neighbors, which is great, because gay people take care of their shit and pay property taxes even they rarely have children, so they’re essentially helping to fund the education of your little bratty kids.
And if your marriage is so weak that gay people are affecting it, you’re in serious trouble. I have a couple of buddies who are divorced; if you ask them why they got divorced, they will tell you it had nothing, at all, to do with gay people. The problem seemed to be that their wives were giant whores. And I assume that said wives weren’t sleeping with gay men, but probably some straight douchebag attorney with a BMW.
At the end of the day, it’s none of your damn business what other people do with their lives. It’s that simple. If gay people get married or civil union-ed or shipped to camps in California, your job still sucks, your hair is still thinning, and there’s still an asshole in the bar when you’re trying to sip some whiskey and relax and stop thinking about the fact that your job still sucks. So let them get married. Hell, find a nice gay couple and become friendly enough to go the wedding. Do you know how much fun a gay wedding would be? Plus, most gay men have straight female friends; and if the average woman goes crazy at another woman’s wedding, imagine how crazy she’ll be watching two more guys get taken off the market? In fact, I’m headed down the street to Boystown, and find me two or four nice fellows to talk to.