Dear Tiger Woods:
So your wife is divorcing you.
Your former sponsors think you have cooties.
Even little kids who have yet to achieve anything more substantial beyond no longer soiling themselves in public are calling you a loser.
The world was once your playground. Now it seems there’s nowhere for you to hide.
The good folks at BodogBrand.com would like to change that.
BodogBrand.com has officially resubmitted the $100,000,000 sponsorship offer it first offered Tiger Woods’ agent (Mark Steinberg at IMG) back in January, then again (at IMG’s request) via fax in early March. Unfortunately, while the Bodog Brand offer was serious in both substance and style, those Irish pranksters over at Paddy Power had to go and rush out a jokey copycat offer.
Unfortunately, Paddy Power’s transparent publicity ploy made Tiger’s people think all offers associated with betting outfits weren’t serious. And that’s a real shame, because Tiger Woods and the Bodog Brand go together like chips and salsa, steak and potatoes, Calvin Ayre and €33,000 bar tabs…
To that end, Bodog Brand has retooled its sponsorship offer to include a ‘no moral conditions’ clause, meaning the five-year, $100M deal would be honored irrespective of Tiger’s failure to abide by society’s hazy concept of morality.
To be clear, Bodog Brand is not telling Tiger ‘all is forgiven’. In Bodog Brand’s eyes, there is nothing to forgive. So Tiger fucked around? Big fucking deal. If he can afford the financial fallout, he can stick his dick in the mashed potatoes, for all we care.
Also, a great many PGA players believe Tiger’s on the juice. This would go a long way towards explaining his physical transformation from Bruce Banner into The Hulk over the past few years. Artificially-elevated testosterone levels might also explain Tiger’s inability to put his dick into ‘sleep’ mode, which in turn may explain why his swing’s gone downhill of late – must be difficult trying to keep your hips properly aligned when your sporting a ‘semi’ all the time. (However, it would be a synergistic match with Bodog’s ‘Play Hard’ slogan.) Still, even if Tiger’s roided up, who the fuck cares? When it comes to pro sports, we expect our athletes to perform superhuman tasks the same way we expect our movie superheroes to be able to fly. Faster, higher, stronger… It’s all entertainment. And entertainment is what the Bodog Brand is all about.
Both Tiger and Calvin have demonstrated that they’re incapable of being one-woman men. Both men have been dubbed billionaires by the media. Both men have risen from humble beginnings to attain the prominence they enjoy today. Forget synergy – Tiger might well ask, ‘Calvin, do you have the other half of this amulet?’
It’s time, Tiger. Time to come home. Bodog Brand is offering you its hand. Take it. Read more.