Super-resistant sexually transmitted diseases and sex dolls for Aryan supermen

Sex: it’s fun. Or at least it used to be. Back in the day, assuming one was moderately attractive, had some gift of the gab and a functioning fuckstick, you could shag yourself (and others) silly without too much bother. The increased availability of the birth control pill dramatically reduced the risk of unwanted pregnancies, which caused formerly self-restrained girls to go, um, wild. If worse came to worse, and you caught the clap or the dose, you just limped on over to the free clinic for a shot of antibiotics and refrained from indulging for a few weeks until you were ready to come off the bench and come on to something pretty.

But those days are long gone, and it’s not just new fears like herpes and AIDS. Researchers in Japan recently identified a new strain of gonorrhea that is not only resistant to run-of-the-mill antibiotics like penicillin and tetracycline, but can also kick the crap out of ‘last resort’ drugs like Cipro. Variants of this superbug have been found as far away as Honolulu, California and Norway.

Scarier still, past experience has taught scientists that once these super-resistant strains emerge, they gradually displace their weaker cousins. (Sort of like how if Barry Bonds decides to take steroids, pretty soon the whole baseball team is taking steroids, otherwise they can’t crack the starting lineup.) All of which means future generations are facing an “entirely untreatable” form of gonorrhea. Close your eyes, and imagine pissing razor blades… for life. Seriously, shoot me now.

And it ain’t just the clap. Doctors in Alberta, Canada have recently been confronted with a resurgence of syphilis. The blame is being put on the province’s booming oil sector, which has attracted an influx of workers – including sex trade workers – from around the globe. Among the afflicted Albertans are 56 cases of neurosyphilis, which researchers describe as “extremely rare in the antibiotic era.”

The provincial government has reacted to the crisis with a public awareness campaign featuring graphic photos of disfigured sufferers, but the high visibility of this push has raised the ire of social conservatives. Frustrated deputy chief medical officer Martin Lavoie claims such moral moaning “may lead to a reluctance to arm children with the knowledge we’d like them to have … You have to protect those who aren’t going to succeed at abstinence.”

Maybe these uptight Albertans could take a page out of another social conservative’s book. The news wire was recently all-a-titter over author Graeme Donald’s discovery that Nazi nutbar Adolf Hitler was so concerned that his troops would catch cooties from Parisian prostitutes that he ordered them equipped with blonde/blue-eyed blow-up dolls (conveniently sized to fit in a soldier’s backpack when not ‘in action’) to keep them from “risking their health for the sake of a quick adventure.” The irony here is that Hitler himself is widely believed to have contracted syphilis as a young man, and it would likely have killed him if that whole bullet-in-the-brain thing hadn’t got there first.

Regardless, the air soon went out of Hitler’s so-called Borghild Project after German troops began chucking the ‘gynoid’ dolls away for fear of how it might look if they were taken prisoner along with their inflatable companion. See? In those days, men were more willing to risk the clap than endure the scorn of their peers. But that was before the superbugs appeared on the horizon. Blow-up Barbie’s looking pretty good right about now, ain’t she?

If you have any further information related to this story that you would like to share with us privately please click here.

Can't get enough CalvinAyre.com? Follow us on Twitter and Facebook, then you'll never miss out on the latest gaming industry news.