Secret of church sex-abuse scandals revealed

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. – Stephen Robert

So, we may finally have an answer for why all those Catholic priests in America took such shameful liberties with all those altar boys. Turns out, those men of God might not have been aware that sexual abuse was, you know, wrong.

A survey by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life has brought us the revelation (pun intended) that atheists and agnostics (aka The Heathen) in America have a firmer grasp on the facts of religion than do ‘true believers’. The survey organizers say the good showing by The Heathen can partially be explained by their being better educated than the general public, but even in cases of similar education levels, The Heathen still came out ahead in the knowledge department. As one Methodist minister put it, once Christians accept their particular faith, “they accept it to be true and they stop examining it.”

So if so many Christians have such a tenuous grasp on the specifics of their faith, is it possible that their anti-gambling stance lacks Biblical back-up? For instance, are these people aware that the process of ‘casting lots’ (the random selection of one item from a group of similar items, or, as we know it, the lottery) is all over the Old Testament?

For instance, when Jonah shirked his God-ordered responsibilities by hopping on a boat and heading out to sea, the boat was caught in a fierce storm, and because no storm ever happened without God’s permission, the sailors decided to cast lots to see which one of them God was punishing. Lo and behold, Jonah’s name was drawn, prompting him to say something along the lines of “it’s a fair cop” before leaping overboard and being swallowed by “a great fish.” (Everyone thinks it was ‘a whale’, which we’d prefer, because then we could go further with our gambling metaphor, and make the boat one of those floating casino dealies anchored three miles offshore, and the ‘whale’ could be a high roller, but it clearly states “a great fish’, so there you have it).

At any rate, in the above instance (one of many), God is shown to be using a form of gambling to make his wishes known – and fixing the result, may we add. So, really, how evil could it be? Perhaps that Edmonton bishop who ordered Catholic schools to forswear funds raised from casino nights ought to rethink his stance? If he wants some advice, there’s a number of The Heathen here at CalvinAyre.com who might be able to provide some spiritual guidance.

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