Punters choice: CA.com tipster calls 25/1 Royal Ascot winner

On Sunday night a DJ ruined my life. From a seemingly impenetrable position Dustin Johnson imploded and then just exploded. The man who shot a fecking 66 in the third round and led the field by three managed to stumble around the final round in 82. Eighty-fucking-two! Funnily enough, I was a DJ in 82 – but this DJ isn’t English! He’s American. He’s supposed to know how to win.

The third round score had so much more going for it and as we all know; only good things happened in ‘66. So, why do it then Dusty? I doubt if he will answer me. Probably not out of spite (even though he cost me the best part of £3k), but mainly because he doesn’t read this column.

On a lighter note, I have been phlegmatically challenged since last Thursday. I’m talking about the mucus-creating nightmare that is a chesty cold (plus other severe symptoms) that I received hardly any sympathy for. Well, I received a bit, but I wanted more. I almost died on Friday night, but that probably had more to do with an England team bereft of creative thought rather than a sweaty forehead, aching limbs and a rasping cough (actually the cough was more tuneful than those annoying vuvuzelas – take them to Wimbledon I say).

John Terry as first goalscorer looked increasingly more likely, as England only seemed capable of getting the ball into the box from set pieces – but avail non. At least if you get on with certain bookmakers they refund correct score and first goalscorer bets for 0-0 matches i.e. England matches.

I coughed, spluttered and then drank a cup of tea. Then France sent home Anelka for apparently pooing in Domenech’s mouth – which is rather annoying as I thought he was still a decent each-way bet for Golden Boot. If France get through to the next round now it will surely be daylight Ribery. There’s a money back offer for Paddy Power for you. Go on, have it. Take it. Like a Lahm to the Slaughter I could do this all day.

Onto the main news of the week though… Rite of Passage came good in the Gold Cup which enables me to relax, drink, gamble and eat for the next couple of months without fear of imprisonment. I expect you were on. Feels good, doesn’t it, saying I told you so. He’s currently around 18/1 for Melbourne.

Monday
Went on a trip to Wales to visit the folks. I know what you are thinking. Luckily, it’s where three-card brag was practically invented. So after a few afternoon sherbets I ventured forth to the pub with the all-knowing looks. The pub that makes outsiders feel as welcome as a Danish cartoonist at a mosque. A few lagers, followed by a few chasers, led to a game of cards.

It’s all about blinds in brag. Round and round it goes, money is piled into the ashtray, people don’t look, round it goes again, people raise the stake until one person looks and goes open. Suddenly, everyone looks and then folds. Tis amazing that I used to play this day in, day out as a kid. I blame it on lager. Anyway, after three hours of this I was in a cab home. Not telling you how much I lost.

Tuesday
Backed Canford Cliffs at Royal Ascot in the morning and then went out for the day with the folks. Lagers in the evening.

Wednesday
Train back to civilisation. Had a Spain and Uruguay double. Went to bed early – big day tomorrow.

Thursday
Off to Royal Ascot. Stuck Passage in a couple of doubles before setting off. Great day. Watched the price drift – had a few quid more. Drank lager. Annoyingly my only other winner on the day was Ransom Note, but hadn’t put it in any doubles! Drank lager. Drank wine. Drank champagne. Smoked cigars. Went home to bed. Bliss.

Friday – Sunday
In bed coughing, dribbling, phlegming, snoring and generally feeling sorry for myself. Watched pretty much all of the gold though, plus all the football, plus racing as well as being fed and watered.

Running total after Week 21 (+£4,000): £5,015

Ante-post portfolio:
I fancy Andy Roddick at 12/1 for the Wimbledon men’s title and Justine Henin at 17/2 for the women’s. There are a few to scrap from the World Cup portfolio, but we’re doing alright. And simply because Coral have started pricing up the Eclipse – I’m going to stick by my love affair with Henry Cecil and add Twice Over to the list.

Football
Torres – Top World Cup Scorer 12/1
Spain – World Cup 9/2
Brazil – World Cup 5/1
Holland – World Cup 10/1
Kaka – Top World Cup Scorer 40/1
Lampard – Top World Cup Scorer 100/1
Holland and Van Persie World Cup double – 66/1
Spain and Villa World Cup double – 18/1
England and Van Persie World Cup double – 175/1

Horse Racing
Kieron Fallon – Jockey Championship 7/2
Twice Over – Coral Eclipse 7/2

Tennis
Roddick – Wimbledon 12/1
Henin – Wimbledon 17/2

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