Sex, lies and ‘sex rehab’

Steven Stradbrooke
January 27, 2010
3 Comments

TigerSwaggartEveryone understands that the difference between eccentric and batshit crazy is determined by the size of one’s wallet, not the bizarreness of one’s behavior. Similarly, it’s only rich and famous people who ‘suffer’ from sexual addiction. The rest of us just get horny and (all too often) frustrated. As one wag recently noted, all that separates Tiger Woods from the average man is means and opportunity. (See also: Why does Bo DaDogg lick his balls?)

Tiger had both means and opportunity. Barring his involvement in some debilitating car accident and/or the complete breakdown of the world’s financial systems, he will always have means and opportunity. What Tiger didn’t have was the stones to come to some sort of understanding with his wife on this issue before they got hitched. Something beyond a mere pre-nup — an entente cordiale that takes into account the fact that rich and powerful men are used to having what they want when they want it, and that women are often willing, if not downright eager, to give it to them. To reach such an understanding would have required Tiger to be upfront about his desires, and his wife to be a little more in tune with reality, but regrettably, it seems they never had ‘the talk’.

So when we hear that Elin visited Tiger at the Gentle Path ‘sex rehab’ clinic (‘Bad! Bad penis!’) in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, and that based on this meeting, she’s decided he’s undergoing his ‘treatment’ with the requisite seriousness and thus she’s willing to give it another shot, one can only draw the conclusion that Elin has secretly accepted Tiger’s reported offer to more than double the value of her existing pre-nup if she’ll just stick it out for another two years of shiny, happy photo-ops. Then, after they’ve shown the world that they’ve given it the old college try, Elin and her millions of dollars will fuck off home to Sweden to begin collaborating with Benny & Bjorn from Abba on a Tiger Woods musical, tentatively titled Waterloo.

But meanwhile, there’s this bit of theater going on in Hattiesburg. (Call it off-off-OFF-Broadway.) You’ve seen this play before, the one about redemption, or at least, the appearance of same. Before this ‘scandal’ broke, Tiger was on his way to becoming the world’s first billion-dollar athlete. We all know Tiger’s a fierce competitor. He may have suffered a set back, but he still wants that billion-dollar title, dammit. So now, in a country founded by Puritans, Tiger’s doing what his crisis management team feels he needs to do to reach his goal. The PowerPoint presentation likely went something like this: (a) he’ll emerge from rehab on a bright sunny day with tears streaming down his face, grateful to God and the good people at Gentle Path for showing him the error of his evil, lustful ways; (b) the night before the Academy Awards, Tiger will sit down with Barbara Walters and swear on his green Masters jacket that he can only achieve an erection now in the presence of his Swedish lady fair; and (c) he’ll inform consumers that it’s once again safe for them to purchase products he endorses.

And then, in time, he’ll return to what he does best: play golf. And at some point during his silent stroll along the first fairway, he’s sure to congratulate himself for clawing his way back into the public’s good graces. Then, presumably, he’ll congratulate himself again, this time for the fact that he’s in no way thinking about nailing that brunette that’s batting her eyes at him from the front row of the gallery, wearing the spaghetti-strap top and the come-hither stare…

Because, hey, he’s been CURED of all that. Right?

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Tags: Article, BoDaDogg, Tiger Woods
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