New Jersey’s fattest woman gives us all hope for 2011

With the New Year about to descend upon us, so comes the societal pressure to make some kind of life-altering change via a New Year’s Resolution (an anagram of which reads “Is easy now … rue later on”). But how does one identify the aspects of one’s life that are in greatest need of improvement?

Given that most of us are just emerging from a week (or more) of excess food and drink, there’s a good chance that our pants are fitting more snugly around the middle. So, off we go to the local gym to take the pledge that 2011 will be the year we start getting ready for swimwear season in January, rather than in the last week of June.

But what if your mindset was the exact opposite? What if, despite already being grossly overweight, you decided to embrace your enormity? Enter (very slowly) one Donna Simpson, a 650lb. New Jersey housewife attempting to pack on an additional 350lb. to reach her ‘goal’ of becoming the heaviest woman alive. The 43-year-old Simpson already holds the Guinness World Record for heaviest woman ever to give birth, but like any fame-addiction sufferer, one is never enough — a mantra that applies equally well to Guinness records or number of turkeys consumed in a single meal.

Speaking of, according to Simpson’s own fat-fetish website, her 30,000 calorie Christmas dinner consisted of two 25lb. turkeys, two maple-glazed hams, 15lb. of potatoes (10lb. roast, 5lb. mashed), five loaves of bread, 5lb. of herb stuffing, 20lb. of vegetables and four pints each of gravy and cranberry dressing. To top it off, Simpson had a dessert made of marshmallow, cream cheese, whipped cream and cookies. Kinda puts that extra slice of pie you had in perspective, doesn’t it?

As we enjoy pointing out on this site, there will always be an irresponsible minority who abuse everything on the planet, whether it’s indulging one’s sweet tooth or placing a bet. But just as there are very few of us occasional two-dessert types who’d recognize ourselves in Donna Simpson’s story, the gamblers who might wager $100 on the Patriots don’t recognize themselves in the guy who puts the deed to his house into a poker pot. So we’d like to thank Donna Simpson (for however long she’s still alive to accept our thanks) for making us all feel a little less irresponsible this New Year’s.

Then again, we are in the betting biz, so let’s play up the stereotype and indulge our baser instincts. Specifically, who will be the first bookmaker to offer odds on which will come first: New Jersey’s fattest achieving her goal, or her suet-clogged heart packing it in? Oh, man… We are SO going to hell for this one…

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