A Christmas miracle for Ozzy Osbourne!

Steven Stradbrooke
December 25, 2010
1 Comment

ozzy-osbourne-christmas-miracleOzzy Osbourne hates Christmas. In the weekly column the Prince of Fucking Darkness writes for the Sunday Times Magazine, he makes plain his objections. “Christmas should be banned. Full stop. … I can’t stand any of it. All this ’10 more shopping days to go’ bollocks is such a wind-up. I ain’t exactly Mr. Holy, but what’s that got to do with Baby Jesus being born?… The faster we get to New Year’s Day 2011, the better.”

Ozzy didn’t always feel this way. Back in the days before he got clean and sober, the Madman of Rock “thought it was great, ‘cos it was the perfect excuse to get blasted.” And unless you’ve been under a rock for the past four decades, you know that Ozzy was one legendary imbiber. Among his perfect excuses to get blasted were (a) dawn (b) sunset and (c) days ending in ‘Y”.

Unfortunately, on one those Y-ending days in 1989, a thoroughly off his nut Ozzy cornered wife Sharon in their family home, and told her that “We’re very sorry, but you’re going to have to die,” after which Ozzy attempted to kill her. Fortunately, Sharon survived and Ozzy did a brief stint in jail. But true love knows no bounds, so Sharon took Ozzy back while he got clean and sober. Now, the alcohol-free Osbourne is seeing Baby Jesus’ birthday with clear and open eyes, and what he sees saddens him.

If you’ve ever watched any sappy Hallmark Hall of Fame holiday specials, you know that this is the moment where the Christmas miracle occurs. As if on cue…

Enter pharmaceutical company H. Lundbeck A/S and their experimental drug nalmefene. This pill, expected to be commercially available as early as 2012, “decreases the craving for alcohol, and the person learns to control the alcohol problem.” Rather than having to ‘embrace’ total abstinence, a drinker could pop the pill before popping the cork, and thus be able to stop after a few drinks, rather than losing 72 hours (and many more brain cells) to an alcoholic haze.

So theoretically, Ozzy could enjoy a few drinks — just enough to take the edge off – without Sharon having to worry about keeping the Taser close at hand. And maybe, with that edge taken off, Ozzy will rediscover the miracle of Christmas. (And Jessica Simpson’s phone number.)

God bless us, every shitfaced one.

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Tags: alcohol, Article, Christmas, ozzy osbourne
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