Punters week: laying off laying off is suicide on the golf course

I’m going to have to learn. Or someone is going to have to teach me (which I guess is pretty much the same thing). Yet again, I didn’t lay off when I had the chance. It can’t be greed. It can’t be knowledge, as I have none. It must be stupidity.

There I was, sitting rather pretty with £25 on Rhys Davies at 60s going into the final day – the lad from Bridgend being one shot back from the leader, Luke Donald. RD was around 2.3 to lay on Betfair – I pondered and I pondered and then I decided to leave it and headed off to the pub to watch England destroy Japan. Interestingly, Bridgend and Japan both have a history of their men folk committing suicide; I do it in a rather more subtle way with my weekly golf bets.

Having decided that it was unlikely the Japs could get past whatever defence Fabio decided to try out, I decided that a few correct score bets of 2-0, 3-0 and 4-0 seemed the right course of action. It was a course, more of a crash course. A day that summed up the entire week; a week of losing. Badly.

At least next week is going to be easy – the Celtic Manor Open, The Memorial, The Derby, the Oaks, the Coronation Cup and the second pointless Test. I should be able to lose a fortune on that lot alone. Even the English World Cup squad is being announced, probably worth an interest…

Monday
Woke up with really dry skin. It was literally falling from my face, almost as if the Fifth Column from V had broken into my bedroom convinced I was a visitor. Luckily, I’m not and so I popped down to Boots and bought some L’Oreal for Men, although I was quite tempted by the Nivea for Men I realised it wouldn’t work as well with the title joke. I could have gone down a Nivea gonna give you up kind of route, but I can save that for another article. Anyway, after freshly revitalising my skin I decided to spend a day bashing the bookies and smashing my liver. So, after choosing from the not-very-exciting cards at Leicester and Carlisle, I laid out £200 in various multi bets and headed off to the pub. Ended up in bed at 10 drunken and skint.

Tuesday
A trip to Lingfield. Lost on every race, drank lager, chain-smoked fags and decided there must be more to life.

Wednesday
Getting my golf bets ready; I got stuck into Rhys Davies, Thomas Aiken, Martin Kaymer and Richie Ramsey over in Spain and added Jacobson, Fowler and Stenson in the Crowne Plaza – with Davies, Aiken, Kaymer and Stenson in each-way transatlantic doubles. This is the week. I need a holiday. Went up town to the casino and dropped £300. This is turning into a costly week.

Thursday
Had a speculative bet on Pietersen as top bat in the pointless Bangladesh Test and then headed off to meetings all day. The European golfers are pretty much all doing ok, apart from Kaymer. I head into town and get drunk, miss the last train home – spend £30 on a cab. I blame it on the new government.

Friday
A day sitting in the old local with a couple of regulars discussing how the changes made to the pub have ruined our lives. Why have they added a marble bar? They’ve even painted the toilets. What’s the point of carpet? I end up abusing the new landlord (not in that way) and get thrown out. This is a bad week.

Saturday
Rain. Stayed in and watched the cricket, the golf, the racing, the Grand Prix qualifiers, some tennis and some old episodes of Futurama. All washed down with three bottles of wine. Quite a nice day, actually.

Running total after Week 18 (-£615): £2,365

Bets for the week ahead:
Celtic Manor Open – sticking with Rhys Davies and adding Jamie Donaldson; Welsh people they are.
The Memorial – KJ Choi and Nick Watney.
The Oaks – I’m putting up Bolger’s Akdarena who ran away with a decent group 3 in Ireland earlier this month.
The Derby – we’re already on Co-ordinated Cut and Bullet Train at prices, although CC looks unlikely to run, but you never know.
The Coronation Cup – Fame and Glory should easily win this, but worth an each-way on Youmzain, three times an Arc runner-up.
The second pointless Test – Eion Morgan top bat. And, if you can find a price about Heskey not going to South Africa – then I want to be on. The guy is a muppet.

Football
Torres – Top World Cup Scorer 12/1
Anelka – Top World Cup Scorer 80/1
Spain – World Cup 9/2
Brazil – World Cup 5/1
Ivory Coast – World Cup 33/1
Drogba – Top World Cup Scorer 40/1
Kaka – Top World Cup Scorer 40/1
Lampard – Top World Cup Scorer 100/1

Horse Racing
Kieron Fallon – Jockey Championship 7/2
Rite of Passage – Ascot Gold Cup 25/1
Co-ordinated Cut – The Derby 33/1
Bullet Train – The Derby 12/1

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